I have an external stress meter which no matter what I do I cannot hide it.

Well I can.

With socks.

Except it’s way too fucking hot to wear socks, even if I do like my knee high stripeys.

I have psoriasis. On one foot. I’ve mentioned it before on here and I don’t have any qualms in having bare feet because it generally isn’t bad. But it’s enough to make me self conscious when it flares up. Lately it’s been ridiculous. Which irritates me as I thought I wasn’t that stressed. Obviously I am because my body never lies.

When I internalize it externalizes. And I bury myself in work so I don’t have to think. I’ve been internalizing over so many things lately because I didn’t want to write it all down.

I still don’t.

But then I remembered way back when I started writing. I’m glad someone had the balls to make me write. I’m eternally grateful because they found an outlet I hadn’t realised was there. So I confront myself. I write. But I start and then I stop.

I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of being the strong person all the time. It takes it toll and whittles away at my soul. I miss having that one person I can completely and utterly confide in. I miss human touch, that skin on skin connection.  I miss that soaring sensation of the heart. I was feeling sorry for myself and going deeper into an abysmal abyss of sad. Watching my child hurting and feeling helpless has been the hardest part. Trying to parent again with the ex has been a hellish journey over the last few months.

And then i got the grumps, the black mood that I can’t explain it just is. I call her my wolf. She is lethal. She has teeth. She bites.

I went hermity. Walls went up.

Silence.

Those walls? Well and truly up and I’m way behind them in my little dark place.

Right now? The wolf is pacing. Growling.

I kinda like it here and I’m not coming out for a while.  If I poke around hard enough I’ll find my muse dwelling in some dark cavernous hole waiting to suck me into his web of words and ink  and off I’ll fly for a while, if only to feed my soul a little.

This kind of hurt is not the good one. I don’t like it.

I need a muse.

I need to feed my soul.

This scares me.

Nazi Germany did EXACTLY this in February 1933 and he passed the “enabling act” then rapidly went to war, justifying each takeover of another country as an act of protecting the fatherland from terrorists…

This here is what is wrong with the world ….

2012 for me is going deeper down the rabbit hole of creativity.

Immersing myself in it fully. Being utterly selfish with my time and needs in the pursuit of wonder. It means I will pull back from quite a few things. I have an exhibition coming up this year and six months of long nights and fucking hard work ahead of me. It’s not going to be ‘talent’ I so loathe that word. It’s sheer hard work and time. I can’t scoot around that reality.

What drives me is pure passion and all the things I do combined what makes me, well, me. In solitude I find those spaces to create. I’ve yet to stumble across any other being who can bring this out in me more than solitude does. The people I love understand my hermit side. Maybe not ‘understand’ it but they accept it for what it is. And every now and then I’ll come out of my cave and share that passion. Every now and then I’ll let someone in if only a little.

The first thing I did this morning? On the first day of the new year? I grabbed my sketchbook and began drawing and writing. Then i went for a walk down by the sea.

Hello 2012 I think I like you.

A lot.

Sex, drug use, drug overdose, gambling, home done tattoos. Rihannas new video clip. Taio Cruz- I wanna drink till i throw up.

Lady Gaga- lesbian sex, domination, almost full blown nudity. LMFAO- a video clip of nothing but jiggling penises.

Welcome to the world ********, this is what music means nowadays. Poor kid.

I love my family but sometimes they irk me. This is the same family member that whispers behind my back about my choice in sexuality namely kink. I don’t give a rats arse what they think. Seriously they have never had the balls to ask me upfront about it. Not once but instead they run to a close family member who tells me everything. Apparently what I do is wrong. *laughs*

Hmmm lemme see …

sex – yep had that, did any of those bands or any music in my life cause me to think oo I must have the sexors now!

NO

drugs – yep I experimented not because of music. Although I must admit some music sounded better  at the time LOL. Did it make me want to do drugs?

NO

Gambling? WTF?!?!?!

Home done tattoos? Ummm talk to alot of tattooists and you’ll find that’s how they started their trade. And eeerr your husband is covered in them …. Are his tattoos the result of music?

NO

What really irked me was this bit “Lady Gaga- lesbian sex, domination, almost full blown nudity. ” We know Lady Gaga is a dork. But I gotta admit I like a couple of her videos. They are teh awesome. My son thinks shes a dick. The reference to domination, lesbian sex and nudity …. this irks me.

Acknowledging your sexuality is okay. It’s healthy. We are lucky to live in a world where these things can be expressed without prejudice and more acceptance. There is nothing wrong with lesbians or homosexuality. There is nothing wrong with kink. There is NOTHING wrong with nudity. Don’t be a judgemental arsehole.

Thankfully because I haven’t been a prude with my child, because I have honestly and openly discussed things with my son and talked about things with him he has a wider understanding and hopefully he’ll be comfortable in his own skin without feeling judged. I’m his mother not the decider of how he should choose to express himself. His best friend has two mummies. He thinks that’s cool. So do I. I draw tattoos for people. Does that make me a bad person in your eyes? Oh wait …. I do that weird sex stuff, that stuff you don’t want to talk to me about but you are happy to tell everyone else about.

I grew up listening to Ozzy, Black Sabbath, The Police, Led Zepplin, Pink Floyd, Madonna, Prince, and a whole electic range of music. now I listen to classical music, blues, old stuff and the new, metal, rock. And guess what? I turned out okay. I grew up watching music videos, hell everyday I listened to music and not once was I told what I was listening to was bad. I hung out with musicians for years … they taught me so much more about music. Your child isn’t stupid they will discover music and one day they might listen to music that doesn’t fit your tastes but it doesn’t mean it’s bad for them.

There is still good stuff. They will learn this. If you want to help and not hinder give them choice, educate them, and enjoy music for what it is, not some preconceived notions. I grew up being told by a bunch’o'nutters that my music choices were going to send me to hell.

Yeah. Right.

Most of all trust your child to make the right choices. Give her a good bunch of role models. Let her trip and fall and be there to pick her up but never tell her she’s wrong for being herself.

Here’s a hint …

P.S. Merry Christmas you gorgeous bunch’o'freaks’ xxxx

We’ve all been there. Someone so special in our lives that makes an impact, a huge one. And then there is loss. Heartache. Sometimes even a level of devastation that leaves us scared and changed. Permanently.

I’ve been catching up on a few blogs tonight, some that I have followed since before starting this blog, way back when I had the old one that some remember. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t deleted it in a fit of anger and hurt because there were some beautiful words. Reminders that I can submit to someone on a level I never though feasible. Reminders that I once did find a space within myself that literally flew. I soared.

I read those words tonight “And you never forget your first. ” In the realms of kink and all thats mindfucky I did. My god, in mind I went there with every particle of my being. It is a freeing experience. To be able to hand over the reins completely and just give, trust and just be.

Then came devastation, hurt, anger and a whole pile of emotions. And then to top it off a loss of a dear friend.

I hit rock bottom. If it wasn’t for a small few writers that I love to bits I don’t know if I would have come out of it all. I really had no idea how to walk away intact. To give yourself to a level to that degree and to have that ripped out from underneath you is almost like learning to walk again. To have the courage to delve into that realm is something I have great respect for. It is for the strong and the courageous, it is a path for those who want to really live life and breathe it.

The blogging community, kinksters in general who understand the things we do, if they hadn’t seen the signs, known my own personal loss and the insane mind benders that followed. If they hadn’t soothed me with words of encouragement and advice and just being there for me … well. I am solitudal by nature. The deep stuff doesn’t come out freely. I am in a certain respect extremely private with emotional things. There are walls that are well constructed and not many get to go deeply into the psyche. There are wolves and demons that dwell in the dark places and they need a soul that is not afraid to push past them.

Chatting to an old friend the other night who I hadn’t talked to reminded me of the friendships bourne from this thing called blogging. A comment that I and a few others had been rocks through times of hardship and struggles, it really brought home something. I’ve done things differently, my end goal is the same but I am strong enough to know what isn’t right for me. If anything ‘he’ taught me that. He helped me discover a part of myself that was buried and hidden.

He taught me what real love was. Something I will hold dearly. It is something we all strive for but many never really find. Growth came from learning to let go and have faith that one day I might find that intensity again.

People come into your life at different times to share and grow and I for one am grateful for every connection I make here and outside of the blog. They are the voice of reason I have related to, understood and admired.

We are writers, poets and muses for one another and ourselves. I am grateful that I am allowed a small part of that world, to share without judgement but love and understanding.

And the funny part is apparently … most of us are doing it wrong.

I’d rather being doing it wrong with that lot anyday.

So this is a wee thank you. Thank you for sharing and allowing me into the places that are outside of here. The places that make us a whole person and not some random blogger that writes smut to amuse the masses.

I do value those quiet spaces where we talk and share. Very much so.

‘beams’

xxx