Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML
Bugger.

Today, whilst nibbling on my husband’s ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML
This would cause involuntary retching of the most heinous kind.

Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML
What? No discussion on vomit?

Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a band-aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML
Correct. You are an idiot. I don’t even have a penis and I know that’s a bad idea.

Today, I cleaned up my dog’s crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML
ROFL!!!! Good doggie. Revenge of the four legged creatures.

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said “shit” while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn’t I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML
Moral of the story. Don’t play kids games.

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML
Well doh!

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML
It’s okay, we know you had a wank in the toilet ten minutes before. Stop being picky.

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML
Insert awkward silence here.

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my ‘corpse’. FML
Be thankful he didn’t ask you to dress up as George Bush or even worse, Nana Miscouri.

If you think you are having a bad day, amuse yourself here and you’ll have a lightbulb moment that your shit isn’t that bad.

You’re welcome.

• Antalixic (ant-uh-licks-ik) adj. Someone who always passes over the licorice jellybeans.
• Arachnoleptic fit n. The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
• Beelzebug n. Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
• Blamestorm (blaym-storm) v. To sit around in a group discussing who is responsible for the latest failure.
• Elbonics (el-bon-iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
• Ignoranus n. A person who’s both stupid and an a–hole.
• Inoculatte: n. To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Karmageddon n. It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
• Quadriboobage—The appearance of having four bosoms caused by wearing a bra that is too small.
• Mouse Potato (maus-puh-tay-duh) n. The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
• Percussive Maintenance (pur-kuh-shun mayt-nuns) n. Repairing an electronic appliance by giving it a good whack
• IMglish—Wthe abbreviated language of instant messaging. IMing has already entered the language alongside IDing as an acronymic verb.
• Keypal—So what do you call a pen pal if you never use a pen to write him (or her)? Well, if you use a keyboard, this one will work.
• Phobar —adjective, Acronym for “Photoshopped Beyond All Recognition.”
• Adverblasting —When a commercials audio is much louder than the program that you actually want to watch
• Podestrian— A person who can be spotted with the iconic white standard iPod earbuds in their ears.

Most people are having a wee holiday at the moment and probably drinking far too much silly juice and nursing hangovers. So ima gonna share a few hangover cures from a wee bit of researching. In the good old flatting days where most weekends had a variety of sleeping bodies on our couches and spare beds and Thursday through to Sunday’s were spent out doing hooligan type kinds of mischief usually accompanied by alcohol we all learnt a few things to help relieve or try and prevent a horrendous hangover the next day.

So… hangovers … there are varying levels of a hangover.

Level One Hangover …
You wake up in your own bed, you have the screaming dry horrors but red bulls will help that. You survived relatively unscathed.

Level Two Hangover
No pain but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. You are awake but thats about it and you keep forgetting you have a coffee in your hands. It’s now cold.

Level Three Hangover
Slight headache, nauseous, space cadet brain and you have drunk 5 cups of coffee and four litres of water and still haven’t peed once. Things are not looking so great.

Level Four Hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing at every slight move and if you speak you might vomit. You really want to world to stop spinning and you need sunglasses on because the tungsten lights hurt your eyes. You truly believe if you go out in the sunlight you might melt or combust.

The Twilight Zone
You make it home and fall into bed after using the hallway walls to guide you there. You pass out. A couple hours later you wake to find the room spinning relentlessly, you try to sit up and realise there is vomit coming. After hitting the dresser and the hallway walls a few times you make it to the toilet to find that room is spinning too. You sit on the toilet floor grasping the bowl naked in all your glory because you forgot to put a dressing gown or pants on, if you are lucky you won’t pass out and let your flatmates find you. Uncontrollable sobbing and sputtering follow. Your stomach is now spasming and nothing is coming out. At this point you are damn sure you can see your insides. A few hours later you wake to find yourself still hugging the toilet, vomit is plastered in strands of hair and you are scared to look in the mirror. The whole day is spent avoiding moving and lying on the couch or bed. From your mouth sputters the famous words … I am never drinking again!

So exactly how do we fix a hangover? How do we prevent one? Is there a sure fire way of avoiding one?

1. Drink Water
Okay simple stuff … alcohol dehydrates your body of fluids, so the more water you drink, the more fluids you replace. BEFORE you go to bed … drink a tall glass of water (or several) … yup it’s that easy. Get your drunken ass to the kitchen sink and drink water, lots of it.

2. Hair of the Dog
It simply means wake up and have a beer, or simply more alcohol. One beer can help. Personally I always ended up pissed again in not a good way (bastards) so I don’t recommend this one.

3. Gatorade
Yes apparently it has these awesome wee electrolyte dudes, another option is some magic drink that is similar or I have heard coconut water is worth a try. Never tried it myself.

4. A Fry Up
A damn good feed in the morning, normally consisting of eggs, bacon, toast and various other fatty carbs on waking. Although I don’t recommend allowing a still pissed mate to fry up bacon on the homemade outdoor fire pit … ash covered bacon was not really my thing and watching him eat it? Made me want to vomit.

5. Be Cruel to Your Body
Some people go for a run. I find that silly. Probably because first thing in the morning it’s the last thing I want to do. Also there is a belief that you will “sweat it out of your system”. Actually alcohol metabolizes an hour after you have consumed it.

6. Pills
You have just plied your body full of drugs (aka alcohol) so why not give your body some more. NOT aspirin … tre bad! Although a headache pill such as neurofen or similar can help.

7. Vitamins! or good old Berroca.
This is one I actually do myself and it works wonderfully combined with the water thing before bed. Because alcohol is a diuretic, you lose a lot of vitamins and nutrients during a night on the town. The most important of which are vitamins B and C. Those people that use a vitamin B complex — a pill that includes B1 (thiamine), B2 (riboflavin), folic acid, B6 and B12, among others — to combat hangovers swear by their effectiveness. The most heralded is B12 (also called cobalamin), which performs a key role in the functioning of the brain and nervous system. Normally I take one before hitting the pillow. I wake up feeling pretty damn good.

8. Coffee
It’s a diuretic and so is alcohol which really is defeating the purpose of trying to get rid of the effects of your binge drinking episode but a cup of joe in the morning?  Aaaaahhh.

There’s one other thing that I swear by and have made it for people before. A banana milkshake. One banana per person, ice cubes, honey, yoghurt, skim milk. Chuck it all in a blender and drink it. It’s a liquid breakfast and it has a few things in it to make you feel great. Combine that with the vitamin & water thing and hangovers will be a thing of the past. Another good thing to do is instead of reaching for the coffee grab a drink at the local juice bar.

The easy option of course is not to drink, but some people fail at being good.

The other of course is self pity and whinging about how bad you feel … so here’s a few sites to keep you entertained while you are lying on the couch clutching your head or belly or both and moaning.

Zenhabits ~ going back to basics.

Cakewrecks ~ lots of eeeww’s & bahahaha’s

Pitchfork ~ music freaks will love this site

Mashable ~  geek heaven

Shorpy ~ into vintage photographs?

Shit My Kids Ruined ~ self explanatory really

Oatmeal ~ playtime!

See I could have just said “Suck it up buttercup” ‘beams’