We’ve all been there. Someone so special in our lives that makes an impact, a huge one. And then there is loss. Heartache. Sometimes even a level of devastation that leaves us scared and changed. Permanently.

I’ve been catching up on a few blogs tonight, some that I have followed since before starting this blog, way back when I had the old one that some remember. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t deleted it in a fit of anger and hurt because there were some beautiful words. Reminders that I can submit to someone on a level I never though feasible. Reminders that I once did find a space within myself that literally flew. I soared.

I read those words tonight “And you never forget your first. ” In the realms of kink and all thats mindfucky I did. My god, in mind I went there with every particle of my being. It is a freeing experience. To be able to hand over the reins completely and just give, trust and just be.

Then came devastation, hurt, anger and a whole pile of emotions. And then to top it off a loss of a dear friend.

I hit rock bottom. If it wasn’t for a small few writers that I love to bits I don’t know if I would have come out of it all. I really had no idea how to walk away intact. To give yourself to a level to that degree and to have that ripped out from underneath you is almost like learning to walk again. To have the courage to delve into that realm is something I have great respect for. It is for the strong and the courageous, it is a path for those who want to really live life and breathe it.

The blogging community, kinksters in general who understand the things we do, if they hadn’t seen the signs, known my own personal loss and the insane mind benders that followed. If they hadn’t soothed me with words of encouragement and advice and just being there for me … well. I am solitudal by nature. The deep stuff doesn’t come out freely. I am in a certain respect extremely private with emotional things. There are walls that are well constructed and not many get to go deeply into the psyche. There are wolves and demons that dwell in the dark places and they need a soul that is not afraid to push past them.

Chatting to an old friend the other night who I hadn’t talked to reminded me of the friendships bourne from this thing called blogging. A comment that I and a few others had been rocks through times of hardship and struggles, it really brought home something. I’ve done things differently, my end goal is the same but I am strong enough to know what isn’t right for me. If anything ‘he’ taught me that. He helped me discover a part of myself that was buried and hidden.

He taught me what real love was. Something I will hold dearly. It is something we all strive for but many never really find. Growth came from learning to let go and have faith that one day I might find that intensity again.

People come into your life at different times to share and grow and I for one am grateful for every connection I make here and outside of the blog. They are the voice of reason I have related to, understood and admired.

We are writers, poets and muses for one another and ourselves. I am grateful that I am allowed a small part of that world, to share without judgement but love and understanding.

And the funny part is apparently … most of us are doing it wrong.

I’d rather being doing it wrong with that lot anyday.

So this is a wee thank you. Thank you for sharing and allowing me into the places that are outside of here. The places that make us a whole person and not some random blogger that writes smut to amuse the masses.

I do value those quiet spaces where we talk and share. Very much so.

‘beams’

xxx