Before the days of mummyhood and the world of kink enveloped my addled brain I lived an alternative lifestyle.

I chose to remain single and non commital and lived a life that consisted of ‘friends with benefits’. I didn’t want a full on relationship. I enjoyed my freedom and the ability to go where the wind took me so to speak. I liked being free to do what I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted. I was straight up and rather blunt about where I stood and for a number of years I was happy.

I had casual arrangements with a small number of friends over the years where we both understood and desired a friends with benefits situation. Most of the time it worked well. And at times where feelings started getting strange or too emotional the arrangements where stopped. Whether it was my choice, mutual or theirs. It wasn’t a biggie.

I suppose nowdays because I’m older and been there and done that it holds absolutely no appeal for me anymore. My life has changed now and I have a child that I don’t want to expose to my selfish lifestyle I once had. It’s just not really a practical option for me anymore. I’m also wizened to the pitfalls of casual arrangements and no matter how one bleats on about how great they are and I know they can be, there are also times where it can break your heart in two.

Fast forward to now. After a failed attempt at an engagement and the idea of settling down I had to deal with infidelity. That was a huge barrier I had to overcome. Until that point it had never been an issue in my life. But I’d made a conscious choice to remain monogamous and make a go of a happy life with a partner I intended on marrying. It didn’t work out. I did alot of soul searching and went down the polyamory route. It still has a fuckton of merit for me and a relationship style I admire. i also after a little pondering realised that at many points in my life I had open relationships where there was no hiding who I was and what I chose to do. Other partners knew about each other and had no issues with it. There was an amazing, freeing level of honesty.

But.

I do know that I am at a point in my life where none of that stuff is enough for me anymore.

I do want a monogamous relationship but I’m still open to kink with others. Thing is though, if I’m happy with one person I don’t have a need to play or engage in that stuff with anyone else. For me though kink isn’t always sexually based. There are plenty of things I have done that haven’t been sexually driven. I’m all good with that and I understand my own needs and kinks well enough to know how my own relationship style works.

What I don’t get, well I kinda do, is the casual sex expectations surrounding D/s. For me the intensity levels of a kink arrangement need to be more than a casual arrangement. I just cannot, absolutely cannot submit to a partner if there is no intention of a long term, monogamous relationship on the cards. The level of trust, intimacy and intensity I need isn’t suited for a casual fling. Which is why until that ‘someone’ comes along that ticks most of the boxes I’m happy to be single and not engaging in casual sex and enjoying my huge drawer of sex toys instead and the occasional beating from kinky friends.

If anything, in my travels, I am not the norm in the kink world. Or so I keep getting told. Although most of the time I ignore it because I know there’s alterior motives to those comments.

No. I’m not going to get in your pants.

No. I’m not going to feed your insecurities or your delusions.

I’m tired of people telling me I need a good fuck. I’m tired of people fucking around on each other and battling for attention.

I fuck myself on a regular basis and I do a damn good job… ‘grins’. It’s a less drama filled, uncomplicated lifestyle choice nowdays.

I’m tired of people expecting me to just jump into anything sexually offered just because I carry a ‘kinky’ label.

I am more than capable of doing it. I just don’t want to anymore. It’s hollow.

My ideal? I want  to settle down and grow old with someone who is as kinky and fucked up as me, have fun, enjoy what life has to offer. See a few places, watch my child grow up and give someone everything I have to offer. In return they get love, lots of it. Just little ol’ me and my big heart.

Seriously? Quit telling me whats good for me or what I should do. I already know myself better than you think you do.

Shut.the.fuck.up.