Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML
Bugger.

Today, whilst nibbling on my husband’s ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML
This would cause involuntary retching of the most heinous kind.

Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML
What? No discussion on vomit?

Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a band-aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML
Correct. You are an idiot. I don’t even have a penis and I know that’s a bad idea.

Today, I cleaned up my dog’s crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML
ROFL!!!! Good doggie. Revenge of the four legged creatures.

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said “shit” while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn’t I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML
Moral of the story. Don’t play kids games.

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML
Well doh!

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML
It’s okay, we know you had a wank in the toilet ten minutes before. Stop being picky.

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML
Insert awkward silence here.

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my ‘corpse’. FML
Be thankful he didn’t ask you to dress up as George Bush or even worse, Nana Miscouri.

If you think you are having a bad day, amuse yourself here and you’ll have a lightbulb moment that your shit isn’t that bad.

You’re welcome.