When you have an itch and it needs sating, when the masochist is coming to the fore and shes wild and unkempt and needing solace … she hunts.

Sometimes in the wrong places.

A question got me yesterday afternoon. It was simple enough and I already knew the answer as did they. I got annoyed at myself.

“Do you want to be the leader or the follower?”

The wolf. She’s a leader, a fierce, fiesty bitch of one. But there’s a different side to her. One that only comes out of it’s dark crevices when she knows it’s safe to. When she can trust. When she knows.

I sure as hell don’t want to be the leader. I don’t want to settle down for any random thing just to get two minute kicks. I sure as hell know that I am not the right person to guide someone into the world of BDSM/kink/ D/s or M/s. Ugh. Vanilla is not my thing. Nada zilch. It just doesn’t do it for me. It’s like a moth eaten blanket that doesn’t keep me warm. Boredom would set in rather quickly.

As much as I crave something intense and intimate, a vunerable space, a place to be able to let down my walls and just be, I’m not in a hurry. Hell if it was all about sex I could pop down to the local pub and pick up something lol. It’s not.

I get what I need in doses, enough to give my inner masochist a little solace. It keeps me sane. It’s enough for now.

I’m single by choice because I don’t want second best. I need a leader not a follower.

I’m learning to have a little courage and start being true to myself. Start listening to that inner voice and trusting in my decisions.

When you have someone who can remind you on occassion what you already know, well it’s refreshing. It reminds me to stop being an asshat and listen to my instincts.

I remind myself I do know what I want and need.

I have some bloody wonderful people in my life. Those special people near and far mean the world to me. Their words are comfort.

So the masochist is sat smiling. She’s okay. She’ll hunt when the time is right.

Right now, she’s sated enough.

She’s sooooo not a leader.