The weekend has passed rather quickly and after a long week of head immersed in work I needed some release time. Time to just forget and be in the company of friends. If anything asking me if I was ‘okay’ this week irritated me. Yep just remind me of what is hurting, rub it in a little more. If there’s one thing I learnt back then was well wishes don’t do shit. It’s just a process we get through in our own way. Treating me like I am going to fall apart, meh. If I have a cry I will. It’s a good thing. I don’t want pity or sympathy I just wanted to be able to get on with the week and try do things that picked me up and made me feel good rather than dwell. A wekend with no plans just whatever happened was in order. It was nice to have a little spontaneous time and no planning. Friday night I worked on the last bit of a clients job I have been working on, final tweaks and then had a couple wines to unwind and relax. Unwind time has been good I needed it.It’s been a hell of a week.
I loathe this time of the year. People get stressed, they argue about trivial things. The stress of xmas and money grate on people. Relationships get edgy. The craziness seeps out in all directions and turns people into piles of bubbling stress. I tend to want to hide away at that point. I don’t want to deal with people’s dramas.
I read some of the letters from my old Master yesterday. I’d kept them all tucked away in a box. Re reading them was an interesting experience. He did make me happy in more ways than one and the fact it was long distance yet the intimacy was there was strange. I haven’t felt that way in a very long time. Intimacy isn’t just about touch. It’s about opening up and allowing someone in even when the bad stuff is there. Even when it’s hard. I learnt alot about communication and acceptance. The biggest lesson he taught me was not to lose myself in a D/s relationship. That we were still two people unique in our own ways and those were what made us special. It was built around it not changing our essence of who we were. It is so easy to get lost along the way and to forget who you are. And then its a scramble to find that sense of self again.
I might enjoy the dynamic of a D/s based relationship although the M/s relationship sits with me more comfotably but I am still in essence me. I am only like that with a loving partner, not because of a label but because it’s a space I can feel loved and do the things that make me happy. It is a choice. Mine.
What irritates me is when that is assumed to delve out into other aspects of my life. I am not subservient in daily situations. The role of being a mother and a provider have made me strong in mind, I know what I want and I will not just curl up and roll over because someone assumes the word submissive or slave entails some form of expected behaviour. It’s funny actually we had a conversation this weekend about the labels people give themselves in the kink world. I look for those who do not go around professing to be ‘something’. If it’s there it doesn’t need to be shouted from the rooftops. It doesn’t need to be proven. It just is.
Anyways I am rambling. I had my back cracked yesterday and today and the number of cracks that have come out means there’s a hell of alot of stress all wired up in there. The weekend was good, happy space around friends and Molten. It was needed. I needed to just forget for a few hours all the built up sadness that had been welling. i’m smiling now.
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