It’s Sunday and it’s late. I’m sat here with the curtain open watching a storm, lightning, thunder and lots of rain. Whenever there is a storm I feel that cleansing part of Mother Nature doing her thing. Gawd I love storms, this one was quite full on for a while. Right now it’s appropriate. Storms have always been an integral part of things going on. The night after my friend died we had a hell storm and it was that loud that friends that were over couldn’t be heard above the din the rain was making. There’s something soothing yet wild about storms that seems to calm me.

Tomorrow I have a few errands and inbetween things I will be poking my pagan self and doing a couple of rituals while the house is empty. After effects of the solstice.A few quiet words spoken and a wee bit of sage burning. I’m not going to elaborate just that there are changes to the household right now and it’s still relatively private. Postive changes yet people will need time to settle again.

Saturday night was spent having some quality time with Molten and Velvet and a massage candle which I will write a review on later for EF. I am still sore as a motherfucker. Zombie mode today. Not one set of hands but two on me. At one point Velvet knelt on mah little finger and I was trying to get out of my mouth ” fiiingeeeer” but head said something and the assaulting kneading that was going on left my brain disconnected from my mouth. Actually it was great it took my mind off the hands pulverising my body because I was focused on my little finger being squished. I like the non verbal states, tis a complete mindfuck. Lovely.

Entertaining to say the least. I spent the night later on chatting online to my “wish you were here” which was awesome. We haven’t talked to each alot in the past few months, not just he and I but a few friends were completely fucked over with the loss of our friend that we all disconnected for a while. All grieving in our own spaces and rebuilding. It’s not talked about these days, just too painful and we all miss him like crazy, it’s left a big dent in our wee pack. We had a brief update and added each other to facebook (yes ugh I know ugh) so we could swap our babies pictures an aww and aaah over how much our little ones have grown and then spent the following hour silent and perving lol. It was cool to catch up. We both had lotsa geek talk and we appreciate good art and he sent me a few doozies … I love this one …

I also got talking to a friend about the whole pain and orgasming thing. The need for a release emotionally and mentally but needing pain of some form to do so. It got me thinking on all sorts of tangents as to why I need that level.  It did get my mind ticking.  I hate analysing myself it tends to put me in complete brain spasms.  But it is all the same an interesting place to explore.  Submitting.  It’s the place I want and need to go to lose control. Pain is an outlet that can get me there quicker. It releases pent up rage and emotions that I just can’t get out on my own. Daily I have this need to have things just so, controlled. I dominate in alot of things, the Alpha bitch. I don’t know how to push that aside and release things. I try but I fail miserably most days.

This morning was one of those mornings where my body screamed “stop” so I had no choice but to stop. Rest. The mind didn’t though, that kept going at its never ending fast mode and kept spitting shit at me. It’s exhausting some days. Sometimes it’s good to just stop and relax and let it all flow. Luckily I have people in my life that help me with that.

Anyways I am starting to waffle … the storm has died down a little now and I am tired as hell. Early morning start tomorrow I need my bed.