Ello stranger!

Elloo dudette! How be ye?

Hehe good good. I miss you dude

Me too chick, everyday …

That grin that always makes me melt inside. Those creases around your eyes that smile along with your always charming grin. Over all these years the only thing that reminds me of the time gone by is the smiling wrinkles and the flecks of gray in your hair. The boyish charm you have always possessed that leaves me in fits of giggles. The ever bounding enthusiasm you have for all things geeky, time and time again explaining binary systems to me, most of  flying completely over my head but I still sit there and listen, even after all of these years you still manage to fascinate me with your brain spasms.

Time passes as does our friendship, one that has beckoned to be explored but for reasons both tied to our ethics and morality instead we choose a gentle path of warmth and understanding. Oceans separate us, fleeting moments of touch and love present themselves when you come home and we revel in the sensations. Time spent together is precious.

All those moments when one of us wanted more, but the other could not. Isn’t it strange how life has pushed us separate ways yet still we hold on to the precious love for each other. Months of silence can pass, our lives ticking along only to cross paths, exchange words, share new insights and exchange stories of latest escapades. I walk away from those feeling energized and safe in the comfort that no matter how far we are from each other I will always have you in my life.

Fear that one day you will push your curious mind too far with the dark places you insist on visiting still only to come home in a wooden box. That’s where we have changed I don’t want to hurt myself and hide away anymore. The fear that has kept me from falling too deeply in love with you. The fear that has stopped me from stepping over that abyss to find out if this love is real enough to exist. The fear that became a reality when we both lost our friend, the one that bought us together all those years ago, and now we mourn that friend together. We disconnected then. Do you remember? We don’t speak of it anymore the pain too raw. But that silence between us, the one that tears at our hearts? Brings us yet again closer than before. We share love, joy and now pain together. That’s why its easier for me to have that wall there. It keeps me safe. Away from the pain that overwhelms me. I have only begun to be able to listen to that music again without breaking down into a heaving mess.

Yet you are always there, waiting. Wanting.

You are tied now to a life you have chosen as am I. Yet we still share that special space that is our own. One day I may still be here waiting for you to catch up, I might not. But the love I have for you is still as strong as it was eighteen years ago when we first shared that one precious kiss. The one kiss that has paved the friendship we now have. The times you wanted more from me but you knew I could not give you what you needed. But my heart is big enough to share that love with others. You get that.

We laugh and joke that we will end up growing old together once we have discovered what we need to find along this path they call life. Yet we are growing old together. We share our deepest thoughts, when no one else understands, we do. I miss your arms around me, comforting me when I am lost. My eyes close and I remember all those times when we lay together for hours, sometimes one of us sobbing or just simply needing to be held without words to explain why.

Your gentle soul comforts me but it’s not enough for the animal inside me who fears she may destroy you. You are like a delicate bird and I the wolf who threatens to shred your very soul apart. She knows she will destroy you. The vampire who will suck you dry. So she keeps her distance. Instead she shares time however fleeting it may be. You are fragile yet strong. Do you remember all the crazy fucked up things we have done? Train jumping, watching our babies grow together, that time you saved me from falling off that balcony? The car accidents where we managed to come out unscathed fuck knows why. The cool amber liquid we both love brings times of memories, laughter, mirth and sorrow. The music we share and the music you play on those strings soothes our souls and we smile, we appreciate what we have. But we both wish it could be more. But it can’t, it won’t.

I value what we have and I cherish it. Even though the moments we have nowdays are small they are and always will be special to me. Never let those stop.

Soulmate’s are special.