That wild look in your eye when you stare at me. Not knowing if and when you will. The game always keeps me enthralled. It brings out that wild side in me. I want to push to see how far I can take that edge. Just as you do the same. My cunt twitches, my heart flutters, a pause in breath. A game I am addicted to.

Teeth grazing skin ever so lightly, hot breath, my skin goosebumps. I am sure if you look closely you’ll see my hairs standing on end. An electric charge races through me, the energy playing backwards and forwards. You pause to look again. Then smirk and sit back. Yet still I sit there paused, right on the edge. For a fleeting moment I relax and it is then you strike full force.

Again you catch me unawares. A fire in me builds. A dampness in my crotch as the sharp pain enroaches taking over all sensibility. Those short few seconds where it is you and I and nothing else matters except the sensations. I lose myself.

And then you stop.

I am left panting, frustrated, heat building my body poised always wanting more. You smirk again, like it’s some kind of sadistic sports game, in which I am the prey. Calculating, hunting, always one step ahead. Strategy, watching me. As much as I try I never win but we both know I don’t want to win. Each and every time the same game. Yet I always lose each round and blindly come back for more. Never knowing if and when you will strike my wet cunt waits eagerly. The inquisitve mind cannot resist. The sparkle in my eye beckoning you. My stubborn defiance egging you on. My nipples swell in anticipation. I continue to play. You are my drug.

You lean in again, a hand snakes around tendrils of my hair, this time holding me so I cannot escape. My breathing quickens, I close my eyes waiting for the next barrage of sensation. Do you know what you do to me? Sure you do. Seconds pass by, my mind races. Nothing. A finger sits poised above a nipple stroking then holding it yet doing nothing more.

You release me, I curse and swear at my own body for betraying me. Embarrased, I brush myself off and straighten up and it is then, when I least expect it you strike again, hand coiled again in my head of tousled hair you shove me down on the nearby bed. I struggle and writhe trying to escape the stinging slaps on my ass that seem to rain down in a torrent. Yet my ass moves closer to greet your hand. Again I lose myself in the sensations and groan as your hand moves to my cunt.

Only to lose again in a montage of moaning and bucking as you molest that wet little paradise and your teeth clamp down on my neck.

Game over. You win.

It’s Sunday and it’s late. I’m sat here with the curtain open watching a storm, lightning, thunder and lots of rain. Whenever there is a storm I feel that cleansing part of Mother Nature doing her thing. Gawd I love storms, this one was quite full on for a while. Right now it’s appropriate. Storms have always been an integral part of things going on. The night after my friend died we had a hell storm and it was that loud that friends that were over couldn’t be heard above the din the rain was making. There’s something soothing yet wild about storms that seems to calm me.

Tomorrow I have a few errands and inbetween things I will be poking my pagan self and doing a couple of rituals while the house is empty. After effects of the solstice.A few quiet words spoken and a wee bit of sage burning. I’m not going to elaborate just that there are changes to the household right now and it’s still relatively private. Postive changes yet people will need time to settle again.

Saturday night was spent having some quality time with Molten and Velvet and a massage candle which I will write a review on later for EF. I am still sore as a motherfucker. Zombie mode today. Not one set of hands but two on me. At one point Velvet knelt on mah little finger and I was trying to get out of my mouth ” fiiingeeeer” but head said something and the assaulting kneading that was going on left my brain disconnected from my mouth. Actually it was great it took my mind off the hands pulverising my body because I was focused on my little finger being squished. I like the non verbal states, tis a complete mindfuck. Lovely.

Entertaining to say the least. I spent the night later on chatting online to my “wish you were here” which was awesome. We haven’t talked to each alot in the past few months, not just he and I but a few friends were completely fucked over with the loss of our friend that we all disconnected for a while. All grieving in our own spaces and rebuilding. It’s not talked about these days, just too painful and we all miss him like crazy, it’s left a big dent in our wee pack. We had a brief update and added each other to facebook (yes ugh I know ugh) so we could swap our babies pictures an aww and aaah over how much our little ones have grown and then spent the following hour silent and perving lol. It was cool to catch up. We both had lotsa geek talk and we appreciate good art and he sent me a few doozies … I love this one …

I also got talking to a friend about the whole pain and orgasming thing. The need for a release emotionally and mentally but needing pain of some form to do so. It got me thinking on all sorts of tangents as to why I need that level.  It did get my mind ticking.  I hate analysing myself it tends to put me in complete brain spasms.  But it is all the same an interesting place to explore.  Submitting.  It’s the place I want and need to go to lose control. Pain is an outlet that can get me there quicker. It releases pent up rage and emotions that I just can’t get out on my own. Daily I have this need to have things just so, controlled. I dominate in alot of things, the Alpha bitch. I don’t know how to push that aside and release things. I try but I fail miserably most days.

This morning was one of those mornings where my body screamed “stop” so I had no choice but to stop. Rest. The mind didn’t though, that kept going at its never ending fast mode and kept spitting shit at me. It’s exhausting some days. Sometimes it’s good to just stop and relax and let it all flow. Luckily I have people in my life that help me with that.

Anyways I am starting to waffle … the storm has died down a little now and I am tired as hell. Early morning start tomorrow I need my bed.

Ello stranger!

Elloo dudette! How be ye?

Hehe good good. I miss you dude

Me too chick, everyday …

That grin that always makes me melt inside. Those creases around your eyes that smile along with your always charming grin. Over all these years the only thing that reminds me of the time gone by is the smiling wrinkles and the flecks of gray in your hair. The boyish charm you have always possessed that leaves me in fits of giggles. The ever bounding enthusiasm you have for all things geeky, time and time again explaining binary systems to me, most of  flying completely over my head but I still sit there and listen, even after all of these years you still manage to fascinate me with your brain spasms.

Time passes as does our friendship, one that has beckoned to be explored but for reasons both tied to our ethics and morality instead we choose a gentle path of warmth and understanding. Oceans separate us, fleeting moments of touch and love present themselves when you come home and we revel in the sensations. Time spent together is precious.

All those moments when one of us wanted more, but the other could not. Isn’t it strange how life has pushed us separate ways yet still we hold on to the precious love for each other. Months of silence can pass, our lives ticking along only to cross paths, exchange words, share new insights and exchange stories of latest escapades. I walk away from those feeling energized and safe in the comfort that no matter how far we are from each other I will always have you in my life.

Fear that one day you will push your curious mind too far with the dark places you insist on visiting still only to come home in a wooden box. That’s where we have changed I don’t want to hurt myself and hide away anymore. The fear that has kept me from falling too deeply in love with you. The fear that has stopped me from stepping over that abyss to find out if this love is real enough to exist. The fear that became a reality when we both lost our friend, the one that bought us together all those years ago, and now we mourn that friend together. We disconnected then. Do you remember? We don’t speak of it anymore the pain too raw. But that silence between us, the one that tears at our hearts? Brings us yet again closer than before. We share love, joy and now pain together. That’s why its easier for me to have that wall there. It keeps me safe. Away from the pain that overwhelms me. I have only begun to be able to listen to that music again without breaking down into a heaving mess.

Yet you are always there, waiting. Wanting.

You are tied now to a life you have chosen as am I. Yet we still share that special space that is our own. One day I may still be here waiting for you to catch up, I might not. But the love I have for you is still as strong as it was eighteen years ago when we first shared that one precious kiss. The one kiss that has paved the friendship we now have. The times you wanted more from me but you knew I could not give you what you needed. But my heart is big enough to share that love with others. You get that.

We laugh and joke that we will end up growing old together once we have discovered what we need to find along this path they call life. Yet we are growing old together. We share our deepest thoughts, when no one else understands, we do. I miss your arms around me, comforting me when I am lost. My eyes close and I remember all those times when we lay together for hours, sometimes one of us sobbing or just simply needing to be held without words to explain why.

Your gentle soul comforts me but it’s not enough for the animal inside me who fears she may destroy you. You are like a delicate bird and I the wolf who threatens to shred your very soul apart. She knows she will destroy you. The vampire who will suck you dry. So she keeps her distance. Instead she shares time however fleeting it may be. You are fragile yet strong. Do you remember all the crazy fucked up things we have done? Train jumping, watching our babies grow together, that time you saved me from falling off that balcony? The car accidents where we managed to come out unscathed fuck knows why. The cool amber liquid we both love brings times of memories, laughter, mirth and sorrow. The music we share and the music you play on those strings soothes our souls and we smile, we appreciate what we have. But we both wish it could be more. But it can’t, it won’t.

I value what we have and I cherish it. Even though the moments we have nowdays are small they are and always will be special to me. Never let those stop.

Soulmate’s are special.