I’m home, a wee bit tired still after 10 hours worth of travelling and a very long Sunday. I have slept 14 hours in the past day and it was badly needed, my little one fell sleep at 4pm yesterday and slept till 6.30am this morning. Today is just taking it easy and relaxing inbetween getting a few little things done.

I had tears welling up alot on Sunday watching my brother marry his love of his life. He looked so handsome and she looked absolutely stunning. My sister blubbed out of pure happiness for most of the day and my mother gained a new daughter, one who openly told her at the reception infront of a room full of people how proud she was to have someone she wanted to call her mum. I hugged my brother later that night and told him how proud I was of him. I hugged my sister and told her how proud I was of her. I reassured my mother how amazing she was. I watched my two nieces and my son playing together and reminded myself why I came back from Australia, home to family. I welcomed my new sister to our family.

I sat back for alot of the night, almost disengaged from all the goings on around me, watching my family and realising how much I have missed. I have sacrificed my time with family to keep a hold on my sanity away from my father’s manic depression, his emotional abuse, his anger. He didn’t come to the wedding, instead having a breakdown at home over the guilt of not attending. It was his choice. I reassured family that his decisions did create upset but they were his to own and not something that should overshadow the day. I don’t understand as a parent myself why you would not want to be at your own son’s wedding, but I am not him, I don’t have his problems, and ultimately it is his life and his choices. I did however feel for my brother.

For the whole weekend we smiled, we laughed, we shared stories and it was amazing. However it was also overshadowed by a bitter aunt who couldn’t help but criticise, put-down and berate my sister, mother and I and eventually she was rewarded with silence from all of us. I wasn’t angry, just fed up that at an event where there should be happiness there had to be one that couldn’t just be happy for everyone, enjoy it for what it was. I listened to her berate my choices in educating my son, my decisions to live my way, putting down my pagan beliefs. Scoffing my dress sense, calling me a goth. All these self imposed boxes and if you don’t fit them there must be something wrong with you. The whole time I sat there listening I smiled. I smiled in pity for all the wonderful things in life she will never understand. Her heart is cold and closed. Her nastiness comes from insecurities and jealousies self imposed by her life choices. She is the true epitome of “money does not bring you happiness”. She had silence from me after my mother nicely told me to keep my muzzle on (usually I am quite blunt and pointedly so with relatives that don’t know how to be polite and quit being fucking judgemental) .. so I muzzled myself into complete silence.

The place we stayed was amazing, it reminded me of a place I used to live and one I would love to go back to and enjoy that wonderful space. I spent alot of time wandering along the beach, lots of stolen short moments of solitude and I wish I could have stayed longer. There wasn’t much time for relaxation, alot going on and by the end of  Sunday I was shattered but stayed up to finally get some one on one time and a good heart to heart with my little brother. Much needed and much appreciated. All up I had about 10 hours sleep over the whole weekend, strange bed, people sharing the room and unfamiliar noise meant my sleep was disrupted majorlly.

The whole time I was there it kept hitting me. Watching all these couples, all these preconcieved ideas that marriage is the only option, everyone who was single was on the hunt for a partner, a mate. I felt almost alien. It didn’t feel right to me, the marriage was lovely but it reminded me what I am not. I felt like I didn’t belong there, that this way of life is foreign. I thought back to where I was four years ago and how unhappy I was, how restricted I felt. I was bombarded with questions about my life now, only two close family members know about the poly aspect the rest would be too horrified and just too tunnel minded to even accept let alone try to understand my choices regarding relationships. So I casually replied I was staying with close friends. No I am not seeing anyone (hehe nawt explaining that) , yes I am happy. No I am not sad I am not married … sheesh. Yes the ex is fine, no I am not getting together with him, yes he got married two weeks ago, yes I am actually happy for him lol.

In a sense it’s sad, it hurts to know that part of my life will be shielded, simply because those who are family will not accept my life as it is, see that I am happy with who I am. That all these preconcieved ideas that society has brainwashed people into thinking that these are the “only” choices. That to be happy you must settle down with one person, that you should get married, buy a house and have babies. Ugh. The twoo vanilla life of perfectedness. It is almost strange to me that I am looked upon as the “different” one in my family, that I don’t do things normally. To me it is normal for “me”. It’s who I am. Hell I don’t knock marriage and the monogamous relationship, if it works for two people then that is fucking amazing, just don’t judge me for my choices in life.

The best part of the weekend was seeing no matter how much time my immediate family is apart the amount of love we have for each other is as strong as ever. That I am proud of my family. We might be the most dysfunctional family out there but hell we have alot of love to give. What you see is what you get. I love that.

This is the view infront of the church my brother got married in, absolutely stunning place