4 days before the wedding and my sister-in-law to be gets a phonecall … she can’t use the church she’s had booked for a year. Apparently they are renovating and all the windows are out and scaffolding is all up around the church. My family is all quietly whispering that from day one this wedding has been doomed with various upsets and problems and maybe it’s a sign. Meh either way it’s completely ruined her day as the church was the same church her grandparents got married in. It was supposed to be special. She’s devastated and in tears and I don’t blame her. No matter how much of a bridezilla she has been of late it’s something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. It’s just not fair.

On the other side of things I will be glad when all this hoopla is over and done with, my sister feels the same. For the past three months every conversation we have had with our mother has been wedding focused. It’s a bit of a giggle because the two daughters she does have avoid weddings and marriage like the plague. I’m all for commitment infact it’s important to me. I never go into anything light heartedly. If I make a commitment to someone it’s as real as it gets for me. I was engaged to my son’s father but the commitment there was just too hard to keep and I became exhausted trying to fix a relationship that was dead so I did the right thing and moved on. As it stood I only agreed to a wedding on the condition we stayed engaged for at least four years.  He’s now moved on and married. Good for him.

I have always thought if I ever went down that road again it would be something simple like a handfasting. I could deal with that. A handfasting to me is a binding. A binding of hearts and love and commitment. It doesn’t have to be in a church, it doesn’t have to be the big white dress and all the insane amounts of money that get poured into a wedding. It’s crazy. These two are young, still in their early twenties and by the time this wedding is over they will be in debt up to their eyeballs. I just don’t get it. All the stress and the tears and the arguments that have been snowballing from it has been absolutely insane. With the whole empathy thing I know the weekend will be high with emotions from all sides and it’ll become overwhelming if I immerse myself too deeply in it all .. I am burying myself in my book over the weekend whenever I get the chance and maybe a bit of a wander down the beach with the little one, quiet time and exploring. I have always liked the sea, it has a calming effect sitting there listening to the sounds and watching the waves crash. I feel energised afterwards. Maybe I’ll take some pictures for the blog.

I’ve been in a hermity feeling sorry for myself mood of late. Pushing away people unintentionally and being tired and stressed and grumpy. I hate these moods. I hate what they do to me. I get teary and needy yet I don’t know how to verbalise it. Or more I don’t want to. That tough hard exterior hides it for me. What is it about feeling needy that feels so bad. Is it a fear of letting go, of giving up control of myself? I get whiny and bitchy and mean. I withdraw and all I want to do is sleep but I can’t. It’s fucking insane at times. Part of it I know is an impatience to get the ball rolling, to get some order in my life, to make solid foundations and get rid of this “in limbo” feeling. I am a routine whore. I love spontaneous too but I need the grounding stuff to keep me sane. I feel like I am sat at the start line and rearing to go and waiting for that whistle to say GO.

This hesitance to have the ability to feel okay about being needy. It’s almost like we all feel guilty for it, like it’s a bad thing. But it’s not. All the same it doesn’t make it any easier saying it out loud. I doubt that will change, it’s just how I am. And generally it’s something I have to fix myself. Molten try’s to help when she sees I am struggling she asks me if she can do anything but really she can’t because I know it’s in my head.Maybe I just need a good growling lol.

I think this wee holiday may do me a world of good somehow. A watching become my little brother become a man, that’s even more awesome.

Don’t get too pissed, and if you do get a taxi x

Velvet keeps telling me he can see me as a cat. At first I scoffed at the idea. Then I thought about it some more. There’s a switchy side there. I’m picking if I explore that side of me a little further there may well be a kitty there but she’s not nice. She’s a sadistic, cranky cat who likes to play with her food. She likes the hunt, the game, the chase. She likes to toy with their minds, swipe them with her paw and then sit back and watch them twitch. Kinda like the mouse and the cat.

I found a mouse. I’m having fun toying with him. I have also sent some info to a fellow blogger who was needing material for her weekly rant and I am looking forward to her take on it, I will link later. It’s quite amusing.

Apart from that life hasn’t exactly been anything worth writing about indepth well not the things I want to put on here anyways. We move in a couple weeks so atm it’s a huge decluttering mission, I have systematically been going through the house and decluttering and helping pack (yes I am the neat freak and the clean freak). Molten had tears in her eyes today of pure gratitude for helping and it made my heart warm. I get satisfaction watching people’s reactions when I do things for them and she made it all worthwhile.

In return I got poked senseless with a hell massage tonight which Molten has reserved for every Monday nights. She kneads deep and a little while after her massages I get these little muscle spasms of glee, my body adjusting and relaxing into all the unwound knots it creates. She got clawed and pinched tonight and had to sit on my legs to stop me squirming. They are not relaxing massages more the kind that pulls out pain as she loosens all the roped muscle and knots of tension. Usually leaving me in gah gah land for quite a few hours. And I totally love them No doubt when I wake up in the morning I shall be in space cadet mode and having a quiet day.

My brother’s wedding is this weekend so I will be away for three days dealing with family dramas which never seem to end. I went shopping and found a very flattering black dress at a second hand shop for $2 LOL. It looks brand new and it was a damn good bargin lol. My sister freaked and told me off and said I couldn’t wear black to a wedding … then my mother told me my aunt is also wearing black so sweet .. they can deal with it … fuck mother is just happy cause I am actually wearing a dress. On the other hand I may have to deal with a grumpy Bridezilla who is trying to make everyone wear what “she” wants them to wear. Ugh. Do people lose their brains when they are getting married? Srsly .. its about a committment to your partner, be thankful people are actually coming to share that day with you, who gives a fook what they are wearing. Well I suppose as long as they are wearing clothes haha.

I have been really hermity lately, needing quiet and peace away from madness. I have been craving a need to just curl up and be squished.  I feel bad because I feel like I am neglecting people but rather than take my stresses out on people I care about it’s safer for me to withdraw a little and spend some valuable “me” time. I have not one iota of creativen juices  fuelling me so feeling a little uninspired in turn means my work has been suffering for it which creates more stress because I have frigging bills coming in lol. Never ending cycle of shit. Once the little one starts school I will be able to get back to a bit of a decent work routine, right now it’s all over the place. My best friend sent me a text today and told me off for being a hermit and I replied explaining I have just been overwhelmed lately and a little wired so dealing with the important stuff. Once we are fully settled I will be dragging her up here for a good catch up weekend and lotsa hugs.She’s still missing my company like mad so a weekend together will be a good energiser for both of us.

Wolfie is needing her proper lair lol. A few more sleeps and I’ll have my stuff outta storage and my bed which I am starting to crave. It’s coming, just a little more patience. I’m off to have a doggy nap x

The clear liquid beckoned. Jack Daniels on the rocks. After the bitch of a day she’d had it was appreciated. The first mouthful went down with a burn, the subsequent ones bought a warm haze as her body relaxed. The silence of the house was awoken with the front door opening and the familiar voice of her flatmate rocked her whiskey enhanced senses.

“Hard day at the office eh?” , he stood there grinning. She glanced over his shoulder to see another male. A stranger. Her flatmate smiled and said, “This is Paddy, he started at work today. I thought it would be okay to drag him home for a drink but I see you have already started without us.”

“Pull up a chair and get to it then”, she replied with a smirk. Watching the stranger she quietly mused at how gorgeous he was. He sat down next to her and asked if she minded him taking his shirt off. She nodded it was okay, after all it was the middle of summer. Muscles taunt, tanned skin, and abs to boot. (Please, she mused don’t let me start drooling) A blush gathered in her cheeks.

He noticed and smiled then he spoke, “Oh now that’s a girl close to me heart, whiskey eh?”

She twitched, a perfect irish accent had escaped his lips. Accents made her melt.

She grabbed the bottle and poured another glass and handed it to him grinning. “Gonna join me for a drink are ya?”

The night wore on and slowly they got to know each other a little more, they ended up down at the local pub playing pool. A touch of a hand, lingering for slightly longer than it should, eye contact, flirting. At one point he sidled up to her and whispered in her ear. His hot breath and the closeness of his body made her wet. “I think you and I should go somewhere more private, what do you think?”, his boyish charm already winning her over hours ago she agreed.

He grabbed her by the arm and took her outside, down the alley beside the pub and pushed her up against the wall. Her heart pounding, her cunt wet, his hands holding hers against the wall. His body pushing against hers and his lips assaulting her neck and smothering her in nips and kisses. Her breathing ragged their eyes met. She swore she could see a twinkle in his eye. His hand pushing up underneath her shirt, rolling her nipples between his fingers, her moaning. Exploring her curves, finding their way down to her skirt, pushing past the flimsy material to find where her body told him everything. His voice took on a husky tone as he looked her in the eye, “So, have you ever had an Irishman?”

She grinned, lust enveloping her, and winked with a reply, “Nope not yet”

“Then I think we may have to fix that my wanton girl”, his arms gathering her up and walking towards the beach.

What they both didn’t know at that time, was this night was only the beginning…