Full on week coming up and living like I am camping out .. with a five year old who is only concerned and worried about whether or not I am taking his computer to the new place or if it’s going into storage. I have a kitchen to sort this week and clean and a few more things to pack up. Basically I am systematically cleaning the house room by room and will eventually end up living in my lounge for the last few days.

I  caught up with the ex this morning over the phone after the little one refused to speak to him. He’ll be married at the end of February and apparently trying to buy a house. He sounds so stressed.  And no honeymoon . First thing that comes to mind is what’s the rush? Not my problem though lol. Just one of those feelings I get and usually I’m not wrong but he sounds like he’s ready to explode. He’s never been one for comittment, not something as huge as this, it’s intriguing me if anything. That boy is much happier when he has freedom and the bachelor life. Each to their own though, it’s his path and he has to work it out.

I have been internally struggling with the whole body image thing. I’ve lost all this weight, I feel good generally but I just can’t see what others see. Compliments I don’t deal with well, I pretend. Maybe I am too critical of myself, no not maybe I know I am. Years of emotional abuse and being told horrible things had an effect. Being with my last partner and having difficulties with losing weight and being told I wasn’t sexy anymore, and the words that sliced through me … “I have wrecked your body now, no one will want you”. My god that hurt. Deeply hurt. It made me wonder how he saw me. Then the affair just made me feel unloved and unwanted. And in turn made me crawl inside myself a little deeper.

I am self conscious. It’s really stupid because I shouldn’t be. It pisses me off that these silly insecurities manage to take hold and make me feel like this sometimes. People say oh everyone has stretchmarks. Yea so do I and they don’t worry me. I often run my fingers over them, they are deep, I like them. What I don’t like is the excess skin I have been left behind with after such a huge weight loss and no amount of gym exercise is going to fix some of it. Coming to terms with the changes my body has isn’t easy for me. Especially when I worked so hard before the pregnancy, kept fit and toned and I was proud of what I had. I think when someone  says stuff about being sexy I think … “yea if you saw other parts you may not think so”. It annoys me that I do this to myself. I know it’s not good.

I am slowly getting there, I have been doing little things for myself to make myself feel good. Taking my time getting comfortable in my new skin, appreciating the curves and even the fucked up bits. It’s not easy exposing that part of myself to others. Part of the reason I am not willing to expose myself to all and sundry, with the blog I have control over the images I put here. My insecurities are one of the reasons I won’t play at a play party, or wander round naked infront of others.  And the reason there will never be a tummy picture on this blog lol. Some things are too private. For me that is one.

I admire those who can walk around in their own skin, flaws and all and not care. I get frustrated at myself and can’t figure out what makes me feel the way I do. I often tell myself I am being vain and self obsessed and to stop it. Maybe it’s because I had a body i liked before the pregnancy and I just haven’t come to terms with the changes. I haven’t accepted myself.

Maybe one day I’ll work it out. Till then I’ll keep trying. I’ll keep pushing myself and trying to find the answers.

She is the one who keeps a woman going when she thinks she’s done for.
She is intuition, far-seer, deep listener, and she is loyal heart.
She thrives on fresh site and self-integrity.
She must strut the old pathways,
She can assert her instinctual knowledge,
She proudly bears the battle scars of her time,
She writes her secrets on walls,
She refuses to be ashamed,
She is Wolf Medicine
Embrace It.

Motion, movement, change.

It seems my wolfie session with the lease bullshit has paid off. I got a phonecall from the manager today, the boss man and he was extremely polite and basically said I was right, they fucked up and I am picking my property manager is going to get a telling off hehe. There will be no five day move out and pay rent for while I am not here and even better news I can leave a week earlier than planned and get out of this god forsaken house. They have found tenants and they are wanting to move in on the 5th February which means I am free to leave. Phew. Everything will be finalised on Tuesday as I asked for a couple days to make sure I can organise to have everything out before then. So far so good as long as a couple people don’t let me down next week it will all be sorted. Fingers crossed.

I even went and curled up and had a nap which is a good sign, it’s means I’ll be sleeping again. Stress levels are still up there because I’m unsettled but in a better frame of mind now that I know whats happening with the house.  I ended up having a house full of people dropping in and out today but it was all good and I caught up with an old UK friend online and found a wee group of people I used to chat to on a daily basis again, I’d lost touch for well over a year or so with alot of them and it’s been great catching up with old friends online. I missed them. They make me giggle. Looks like I may have work from one of them too. You gotta love networking hehe.

I feel loved and its a good feeling. So needed and appreciated. And that makes me want to give back tenfold. It’s helped me get through this couple of weeks of madness. I told Molten today it’s weird, ever since I came back down here it just doesn’t feel like home anymore. It’s almost like I am in limbo. Home is where the heart is and my heart’s not here anymore it’s elsewhere. It’s in a good place. I love the fluffies.

I know this year is going to bring alot of new things and I know sometimes it won’t be easy for me. There’s a little bit of adjusting to get through and a few things I have to concentrate on getting sorted when I do move up, like getting the little one settled and into school. I’m looking forward to being able to reconnect with my sister and brother again too, the distance makes it hard for all of us and we have always been close even though we have our wee spats. I miss them both a hell of alot. My brother is mending after his bad news and they are slowly coming right and seeing that they have other options available. He pushed his fiance away and nearly called off the marriage.We were all worried that was how he was going to react.

His words ” The one thing I am suppossed to do as a man and I can’t even do that, I can’t give her the one thing she wants so badly, children. Why am I getting all the hard shit? Nothing ever goes fucking right”.  I simply told him, “Welcome to life hun, we all go through hard stuff, it’s what you do about it that makes you who you are”. And reminded him that he’s loved and there are people willing to help him get through all of this. He’s such a sweet guy, one of those people that would drop everything in a second to help you out. The quiet strong one who never falters and when he does it surprises you. I just want to give him a big squishy hug and tell him it’s okay.

As for my best mate, she’s having “the talk” tonight and sorting out her relationship after I spent half the afternoon having a good heart to heart. She’s got to stop hurting her partner. he’s not stupid and he knows somethings going on, alot more than shes given him credit for. She knows it’s time to make some choices and start being honest. I am there for here but she now knows in no uncertain terms that she crossed lines.

Well it’s late and I’m actually tired so I’m going to bed and for once this week I think I will actually sleep well. Tomorrow chase more people up, organise a few more things and a bit more packing and cleaning. Ugh I’ll be glad when this part is done. I’m over it already. Anyone wanna come give me a massage? Iz needz one badly lol.

Todays toon iz bought to you by the letter S for stripper music and doubleu (W) fur wine … I haz sum

Let’s see. Life is like a roller coaster and my main goal is to get off. Seriously. My home has now become a shell, it’s not home anymore. Just an empty house with a few boxes and a small space with the things I need to survive. All my books are packed away bar a couple I am reading. Everything that makes home mine is not here. I am in a stressed state, it shows, generally I look like shit. I’m not sleeping and I’m constantly being boofed around by useless property managers but I’m standing ground.

I found out on Wednesday that my property manager I have been emailing and trying to sort all this rubbish with the lease out with .. is actually on leave as of this week. He didn’t think it important to let me know. No one told me and he’d stopped replying to my emails. To top it off the lady who I have been speaking to can’t access the emails and had to get the head honcho to look yesterday. So as of right now I have no idea wtf is going on. The stupid thing is they are just giving me more and more things to throw at them if they decide to play hard ball. I still have the option of making a formal complaint in writing to head office up North if they piss me off further. Four tenants went through the house yesterday, all loving the house and asking for application forms.

Relief, progress … finally. Only to be disappointed after another conversation by phone. She asked me if I thought any tenants were suitable, actually they all seemed pretty cool but one couple I spoke with I instantly liked. A young couple with two boys. I mentioned them to the property manager and she asked which one it was, the one with tattoo’s. Her reply was completely and instantly judgemental. It angered me. Actually it made me realsie that I was dealing with a “small brained” git.

“Oh tattoo’s. Yes well we may not get a suitable tenant. We have a couple more and they have no children or pets. Let’s hope we only have to go through all of this once.”

I retaliated politely but bluntly and simply said, “Actually from experiences working in various environments I have found people who have tattoo’s to be very drama free, mellow people. Tattoo’s are after all an art form nothing more.” (rude bitch)

A young couple who turned up later that afternoon had tat’s so I quietly told them when they went in to apply for the house to make sure they were covered up. Seriously I don’t get this judgemental crap over a couple of tats. The word stupid comes to mind.

On another note my best friend has been using me as a scapegoat for her little affair. I found out just how much last night. It’s pissed me off quite alot. When she comes over I am going to have a chat. As much as she will let me. She’s extremely closed as far as deep emotions, she doesn’t open up easily and I told her briefly this morning her partner knows a hell of alot more than she realises. She brushed it off as though it didn’t matter. I looked her in the eye and said “Why the fuck are you with him then? He’s hurting badly because of what you are doing. He’s knows”.

I am at a point I really don’t get or understand why. But there will be no more using me as an excuse. She’s arranged to take me up North on the last day of being here and moving out. Awesome, one problem solved but she’s also meeting her fling while she’s up there. I told her this morning it’s the last time and I am not lying for her anymore. Hell I didn’t want to be put there at all. I love her to bits but she’s such a stubborn arsed shitty bitch at times and this is not cool. This is something that rocks our friendship at the core.

Why why why do people do this? I know it’s complicated. I know there’s many reasons. I just can’t fathom it. Probably because I’m not wired that way. I expect honesty. I need honesty. I can’t intentionally hurt someone like that. Maybe because it’s been done to me more than once and the understanding of the hurt that follows, the anger, the betrayal I just can’t do it to someone. All of this is fighting against my nature and I am struggling to understand any of it.

Today is a relax day. My back is fucked, I’m on painkillers and taking it easy. I have a relatively fucked back and shoulder from an old work injury and it flares up when I overdo things. Normally I’m careful, I know what triggers it but with moving it’s partly unavoidable so I’ll cope because I have to. Three more weeks. Three more long fucked up weeks and I’m out of here. I can’t wait.