Intimacy

“Most people have come to prefer certain of life’s experiences and deny and reject others, unaware of the value of the hidden things that may come wrapped in plain and even ugly paper. In avoiding all pain and seeking comfort at all costs, we may be left without intimacy or compassion; in rejecting change and risk we often cheat ourselves of the quest; in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness.”

I grew up in a household where no one in my family ever said “I love you”. No one hugged each other. We were almost cold towards each other, emotionally distant. it was safer that way, I never had a connection with my father. He was just the guy mum met and I had to deal with the crap he gave me on a daily basis. I look back now and I see how it has affected me in relationships with people. I have difficulty instigating anything on an intimate level. I simply had no idea how one went about it.

Most of the time it leaves me feeling awkward and unsure. It’s almost similar to being in a foreign land and not speaking the same language as the locals. For a long time I thought it was all about sex. That was the way people showed their way of loving someone or that’s how I thought it was.

Mum and Dad never hugged each other or showed affection, the only time I saw them being intimate was when I accidentally walked in on them doing the horizontal thing in the bedroom and man that freaked me out as a kid. We were sheltered alot, because of Dad’s alcoholism and his manic depression not many people visited us. We had this awkward fucked up family life and none of us really knew what being a loving couple was about because we had nothing to go on. I remember seeing other kids families interacting and wishing it were mine.

I remember a good friend of mine approaching me one night and asking me if I had been the victim of sexual abuse as a child to explain why I was still a virgin at the age of 20. It amused me to no end the connection he had made because there had been absolutely no abuse in a sexual context as a child nor an adult. I simply was too afraid to go there. I had no idea how to be intimate in a loving way nor a sexual way.

I avoided committed relationships because of fears that I have come to realise were a result of my childhood. It took me a long time to find relationships I felt comfortable in, always sheilding a part of myself in fear of rejection for doing or saying the wrong thing. I would also become very attached very quickly when intimacy did begin, I thrived on it. I just simply didn’t know how to initiate it. Because of some very special people in my life over the years I grew to learn what being intimate was. It didn’t always involve sex. It’s about sharing yourself, the good, the bad and the ugly. I slowly began to form relationships that helped me understand that there was much, much more to love and intimacy than just plain old sex.

Intimacy is emotional, spiritual, intellectual, it’s about sharing yourself with another. I finally got it after a long number of years feeling rather confused.

My last serious relationship sent me in a negative direction as the intimacy faded, and he began to treat me as nothing but a sex object, hugs became foreplay, all he wanted was sex, every touch became more than just a simple way of showing love, it was only when he wanted to get off. When we separated and I came home a couple of close friends noticed my flinching and reacting to being touched. It took many months of working through issues to feel comfortable in my own space again.

Now I am back where I need to be. I get a healthy dose of love and support and a whole plethora of huggles of every kind and I wouldn’t change it in a heartbeat. These days I still find it hard to reach out and hug or touch  someone, always aware of my own boundaries and sometimes unwillingly projecting it on others. I still feel awkward at times and sometimes I still feel like I am in a foreign land. It’s just part of who I am. Only difference is I can talk about it now. And I’m okay with it. It’s like riding a bike, I know how I just forget sometimes. All I have to do is just get back on the bike.