It’s been really hard for me to write in the past week or so. I have so much shit running around in my brain, trying to put it all down here is a difficult task in itself so I suppose I’ve been avoiding it to a point, and I’m not in my ususal environment as far as writing space. There’s been so much for me to process over the past week and my headspace has been all over the show. I’m staying at Fluffy Central hehe, I will elaborate on the whole Fluffy thing in another post. My little one turns five today (it’s just past midnight lol) … five long years of being a stay at home mum by choice, a promise I made to myself to make the most of the first five years of his life and I’m proud of achieving this wee landmark.It’s taken alot of adjustments for me.

I didn’t want children, I didn’t want to be a mother, I got pregnant by accident, I remember how I reacted when I found out I was pregnant. Basically I threw a major tantrum, got very fucked off and didn’t speak to my partner for days. When we started the relationship I had explained I had terminated a pregnancy in my early twenties and it took me three years to get past that decision I had made not to keep the baby. I had vowed if I ever got pregnant again that I wouldn’t go through with another termination because of the effect it had on me at the time. Now I look back past these last five years, the good and the bad and I wouldn’t change it for a second. I am so proud of my little guy, he has been my rock over the past couple of years and has kept me going when I thought I had nothing left to give.And now he’s about to start another phase in his life, school. Which also means I am going to be able to step outside the home and start getting a little of my life back and look at a career again. I’m looking forward to it and watching him grow into a fine young man.

On top of that this time of the year has been extremely hard, one of my best friends died a year ago, xmas last year really sucked, this year it’s been a very beautiful space spending time with people who are becoming my special little family and it makes my heart warm. A year ago I began a journey with my old Master. I look back now and think hell, it seems so far away, so many things have changed since then, I’ve grown immensley and even though we ended in less than good circumstances I can’t help but feel thankful for the experience because if it wasn’t for him being in my life and having such an influence in being involved in my wee path of self discovery I don’t think I would have been where I am today. I always hold the belief that you don’t meet people by accident. People come into your life because they are suppossed to, whether it be to learn from one another or to enhance each other’s life in some way or sometimes both.

I’ve been in a really shitty mood today and yesterday I was nearly in tears on and off during the day, today not so bad but still holding a little anger at the little one’s father. Why? I recieved a text message on Christmas morning after a very fun happy morning of opening presents … “Merry Xmas to you and your loved one’s from **** & ******”  … from his phone .. thing is he is dyslexic … he can’t write nor spell for shit, I knew his fiance had sent it … this woman has never spoken to me, not once. What pissed me off was the fact that he hadn’t even bothered to ring his son to wish him a Merry Xmas and the cheek of that text, and they have been talking on the phone to each other this month so I had an expectation that he would phone the little one.

Maybe I shouldn’t have expected it? Meh, all I know is I was really pissed off at the generic bullshit text message and I really didn’t need that sent to me. I am wanting to speak my mind and explain that it upset me but I know it will fall on deaf ears, maybe that’s what’s got me so riled. Maybe he didn’t even know that was sent. His fiance has been sending nasty emails to his mum because his mum is a bit pissed at the suddeness of the upcoming wedding in February, hell it shocked me too but I have moved on and wish him all the best, I just don’t want to be pulled into any bullshit drama and I have this niggly feeling that his fiance has been the cause of a few problems we have had in the past year. So I am sat here wondering if I should say something to him and explain I didn’t appreciate that text and I am fucked off he didn’t even bother to ring him or send him a text from Daddy. Either way he’s won the asshat award again.

I want to do a decent post on my wee holiday but it’s gonna have to wait for a couple days when the madness settles down. Zoo trip tomorrow for the little one’s birthday, with one of the Fluffy’s and her tribe, and half my mad family hehe. It’s going to be a rather long day. Wish me luck x