Trust is at the heart of the issue. Those who have been abused will probably find it very difficult to be vulnerable to another. Where they have had their control wrenched from them involuntarily, they will naturally hold onto it very tightly.

So what does one do? Thing is we all go through life dealing with ouchies. Hurts, pain. People say, time heals, you’ll get over it. Thing is some of us come out on the other side different than before, damaged. I readily admit I have trust issues. I am well aware of them and I know where they come from. I try constantly to battle those demons and these days I do okay. It’s extremely hard for me not to be guarded. The deepest parts of me stay well and truly buried and it takes a long time for me to allow that part of myself to feel secure enough with someone to bare all. The last time I did it I got stung rather badly, actually the last couple of times.

I accept that some of the things in my life I have experienced have damaged me. They have bought out the wolf in me. I observe, nuances, words spoken, the coy games some wish to play. I chat to alot of people, quite a few males (the joys of social networking sites and the word single seem to attract alot) … mainly because most days I am generally polite, I like people’s minds, some fascinate me … others are plain dense. Thing is just because I say a few words online, doesn’t mean I am going to give up my batteries … yes my vibrator is quite good at what it does and so are some other things. I don’t fall at someone’s feet at the first few sentences. And I also generally take the written word for what it is … words on a screen. Show me I can trust you and don’t treat it as something that can easily be thrown away, and maybe, just maybe then you will gain something more than just my trust.

Then there are those who make it easy for me to trust and then they show me I can. And that’s when I start to wonder if one day I’ll get a little part of what was damaged in me back … maybe it won’t be quite the same but I’ll know. I have started to realise that I can trust again. That there are people in my life who love me for who I am and they are not out to cause me any reason to mistrust. My walls are slowly coming down again. A foundation is being formed.

The wolf is calm, still wild, that part will never leave and I embrace it. Along the way of this wee path, she’s found a pack, one she loves very much. They all bring her something new, all in their own little ways. That is special.

She can feel vulnerable and it’s okay. She can trust again.