I read something today which put my mind in a state of confuddlement and I suppose it upset me a little what was written hurt. Not in an intentional way on their behalf but more like I felt forgotten.  It’s amazing how sensitive I can be to certain things and it bugged me for most of the day. I’m fine now though, I have sat down and owned my feelings and decided it’s not worth getting in a tangle about, I can be rather stupid at times and an emotional git. And a couple of words that were said today made me feel a hell of alot better.

I think part of it is because I miss the fluffies a hell of alot and having contact via text messages and the likes have made it harder for me not to pine their company a little, okay alot. They really do bring me to a happy place. I’ve been working and going like a bat out of hell to get so many things done the last few weeks and it’ll all be done in a couple more weeks, that I have finally started to slow down a little and now am impatient for a holiday. Frustrating if anything.

I am getting hit by a few trolls in my private messages of late on fetlife, so haven’t been logging on as much. I just can’t be assed dealing with the numpties. “Single & Polyamorous” seems to bring out all sorts of eejits lol. I have been avoiding lots of things lately, generally because I just don’t have the energy to deal with extra shit right now. It’s taken me two weeks just to get time to go visit a friend and their new little baby boy. I still have to make a call to find out whats happening with this burial shit. I’ve been putting it off as long as possible because I really don’t want a “date” weighing on my mind. It’s just too hard to think about any of it. I did however muse over dates as this weekend is a year since I spent time with him before he passed so memories have been flooding back and clouding my mind. I keep trying to think positive, it’s not a good weekend to break down and have a cry. Ugh. It’s almost like I know it’s sat there waiting to come out but I’ve been pushing it down again because I have to be strong and deal with daily life. The little one only has me to rely on and I’m no good to him if I am a mess.Next week is the hard one, I’ll get through it, one day at a time.

I think my problem is I tend to over think every minute damn thing. It’s a curse and sometimes a blessing but most of the time it does my head in. Learing to recognise that has not been easy and there are times I still go off on silly tangents and discover it’s all in my head and I am being silly. Other times there are valid reasons for feeling the way I do but on the other side of the coin I don’t acknowledge those feelings almost as if I am not allowed to feel that way. That comes from deep buried shit. The mind is such a complex thing, sometimes I wish I could find the off button and switch myself off for a while. This weeks sleeping patterns have been completely up the shit …. haven’t got to sleep till after 2am every day this week and up at 7am … I need a sleep in .. a big long one. Gawd I miss those days where if I needed to I could go crash and sleep the day away lol. Can’t do that with a four year old. Just doesn’t happen.

I’ve been chatting to a good friend tonight and every time we chat I go back to the whole subbie mindset. Understanding what she’s going through because I’ve been through it all. It’s a strange feeling looking from the outside in. It reminds me of the things I miss. It also reminds me of how damn content and happy I was back then. I really do need love in my life. Without it, tis like a flower wilting. Needing nourishment. Kinda like what we were discussing, something eating away, destroying the flower when all she needs to do is go back to the place she needs to be and transparency … so damn important …being open and honest about feelings even if it is hard or not the right time. I missed our chats and it’s nice to have her about again.

Anyways I am talking shit now, i have no idea when I’ll get a chance to sit down and write over the weekend, it’s gonna be a busy one  … off to read until I fall asleep. x

Let’s see, 24 hours before my weekend madness begins, birthday party baking and preparation tomorrow and the big party on Sunday. We have 200 water balloons hehe and 9 water pistols raring to be used. Should be fun…

I woke up to another email this morning informing me I had won another design contest! Nothing like a good email to start me off for the day. I was quite chuffed as it was an off the cuff logo design and I went completely off on a creative tangent and designed a cool little ninja mascot which the client loves, everyone else did generic crap which frankly I wasn’t that impressed with. Another $350US in the pocket which will now see me through all this months bills as well as enabling travel plans. Squeeee.

So today I can sit back and have a wee rest from designing … although there is another one I am working on for a contest and it’s looking pretty damn good as far as a possibility of winning that one too. I will prolly sit down and finish it tonight. I got sidetracked watching porn clips last night and chatting to tp (go give her a random huggle she’s missing her owner) and by the time I did get immersed in designing I realised it was past 2am and sent myself off to bed. I hate that … when I go to a point I am in the zone and I have to stop for whatever reasons. Kinda half the reason I like working at night because there’s no interuptions.

I picked the little one up from kindy this morning and was presented with this amazing piece of artwork he’s done so I thought I would share it on here. I am quite proud of my little four year old’s abilities when it comes to artistic endeavours … hehe one of the kindy mums asked me if I wanted to swap because the little one’s picture was so much better. My heart swells with pride.

I also gave him his birthday pressie this morning after deciding it was prolly a stupid idea to give it to him on the Sunday as all the other kids would want to fuck with it so he has two days of non stop playing with his new Ben 10 watch then it’s getting put away for the day. One of the kids thats coming along has a tendency to break things so I’m staying on the safe side of caution.And on that note I am off to give him squishy huggles and go do teh mummy chores like cooking dinner …

…then fake tan application and lounge around my house in boyshorts … maybe less …

it’s fecking hot here today .. summer is definately coming.

And of course always make time to read a little…

Fridays rawk! Dontcha think?

I would watch the sky with you
Scan the stars for super novas
Trace castles in the clouds
Count the degrees of the sliding moon
It will be warm with a breeze
That draws us closer
The world will melt
All sound but our breath, stop
Time cease
We will be a universe born
Building empires from atoms

Will he offer me his mouth?
Yes
Will he offer me his teeth?
Yes
Will he offer me his jaws?
Yes
Will he offer me his hunger?
Yes
Again, will he offer me his hunger?
Yes!
And will he starve without me?
Yes!
And does he love me?

Gotta love photoshop, an older picture revamped or is that wolfie style ?

lalana did it! She did the meme! So if anyone gets punished from me doing a meme like last time *looks at pup* don’t blame me hehe

I’m whitling mine down because if I do the whole thing I won’t get any sleep. I’ll do the rest on another toasty post later.

40 Questions….

My uncle once: took me horseriding for the afternoon where I gleefully watched him come off a few times and looked rather pissed off he’d suggested it by the end of the day.
Never in my life: will I stop changing the toilet roll to the “right” way!
When I was five: I was alot shorter than I was now, and after that I didn’t grow much taller.
High School was: amusing … I had a very funky pair of school shoes that should have been binned a long time before I actually did throw them out …. I wagged a whole class for a term and still passed my Geography exam. My english teacher bought an old live bomb he’d found under his house and got the school evacuated. We used to sit in his class and read comics behind our folders. I passed that year with A+ grades hehe.
I will never forget: the people who have given me the best memories they make my heart smile.
I once met: Offspring (the whole band) about 6 years ago outside a concert after everyone had left. Really cool guys. A couple of them smoke pot … guess what I was doing lol.
There’s this girl I know who: who’s crazy, dog crazy, bisexual and a harley rider and she’s my friend even though shes nuts I love her to bits.
Once, at a bar: …this one time at booze camp … too many stories, flatmates were bartenders, I did the groupie local band thing, mates were musos … lots of stories
By noon, I’m usually: half assed functioning and awake, the joys of being a night owl, don’t speak to me until I have had coffee … results in sleepy grunts otherwise
Last night: I didn’t go to sleep till 3am … bah. I even took a screenshot and I’m gonna plonk it in here to show you.
If I only had: chocolate. I feel like some chocolate. Hmmm and coffee ….
Next time I go to church: will be March when my brother gets married. I wonder if lightning will strike me dead. *giggles*
Terry Shiavo: who? I know I should know this and I prolly do. You know one of those lightbulb moments … meh do I want to know?
What worries me most: silly stress causes worry, worry causes all sorts of things … yoda says “worry you not” ….
When I turn my head left, I see: a candle burning, the other comp is on and I had a fleeting thought to turn it off, but that requires moving, which I don’t wanna
When I turn my head right, I see: a mahoosive view with lights and black (it’s dark lol) I like living on a hill.
You know I’m lying when: I tell you I’m okay and I walk away
What I miss most about the eighties: nawt the clothes!
I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: Cobweb, one of Titania’s fairies in  A MidSummer Night’s Dream
By this time next year: I’ll be doing something, somewhere
A better name for me would be: let’s see … pixie, imp, lil shit, bitch, wolfie, and a whole plethora of nicknames due to the nature of my real name which I shall not divulge … I have enough thank you
I have a hard time understanding: ignorance and lack of compassion
If I ever go back to school, I’ll: not be a student lol
You know I like you if: because I’ll tell you, sometimes you have to ask because I’m ditzy like that
If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: it depends on how much hard work I’ve done, sometimes it’s self recognition but generally it’s more coming from others so those involved of course and sometimes those who didn’t have a clue
Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Old Farts?
Take my advice, never: forget to tell someone you love them
My ideal breakfast is: anything not cooked by me *grin*
A song I love, but do not own is: Ummm I cannot have a song I love and not own it! Dat’s what teh interwebz is fur!
If you visit my hometown, I suggest: bring light gear cause summer is hitting and it gets hawt! We haz a beach!
Tulips, character flaws, microchips & stars: Ugly flowers, quirks, dogs, … I looked out the window but alas no stars, shitty spring rainclouds
Why won’t people: think before they open their mouths sometimes
If you spend the night at my house: you’ll have a computer to play with, a choice of three couches or if you are not a psycho I offer the other half of my bed. I do however tend to bite.
I’d stop my wedding for: eh? what wedding! ….no one told me about it
The world could do without: fucktards
I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: ewww ummm can it be something else … seriously
My favorite blonde is: my best mate who dyes her hair blonde lol
Paper clips are more useful than: omg the mcgyver things one can do with paperclips is limitless!
If I do anything well, it’s: be a brat
And by the way: where’s my coffee since I just gave you reading entertainment!

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Yep and it’s past midnight right now …