What does one do after a day in a hot kitchen baking?

Put one’s feet up, watch the sunset,enjoy the beautiful view I have from my office chair,

muse a little , smile and think of the wonderful people I have in my life

then settle down with a good movie and relax …

that’s what I do

Well I did the phonecall thing and his mum has decided she can’t part with his ashes so she keeping him close to her. Down the bottom of the other side of the country, so my goodbyes are going to have to be in my own special way. In a way it’s a relief not having to relive all the funeral hoohah again and the dramas that came with it. Had a good chat with friends who are involved and we have decided we will have a special thing ourselves later on. Thursday been was the actual day of his passing but I just couldn’t bring myself to write about it. I did however have a wee candle burning for him. So this week isn’t going to be as hard as I anticipated. Just memories and both I and a friend today agreed it doesn’t feel like a year has passed and most of it still feels as raw as it did then.

I have for years spoken to clairvoyants and given readings of my own to people who have needed them. The conversation I had today was interesting. He was such a skeptic in life, anything spiritual was complete and utter bollocks and nonsense as far as he was concerned. Three separate clairvoyants have spoken to various people that were close to him and all have said one thing which makes me smile … they had no idea he was so adamantly skeptical, the message …”fuck me … it’s real!” … and apparently the boy has a grin on him a mile wide and they describe him as being like a kid in a candy store. What freaked me out even more was a friend had been to a renowned clairvoyant in NZ only a couple weeks ago. He is well known through a television series regarding psychics and old unsolved murder cases. The guy is fucking amazing and I have no doubt in my mind as to the gift he carries. He asked the audience in which my friend was sat if anyone knew a short guy with a goatie, a small foxy beside his feet, name starting with G, has guitars around him … and then proceeded to mention hanging … she got up and left, too shell shocked and dumbfounded and upset to say anything. He’s a shit, he’s been having various contact through spirit for the last few months, and freaking everyone out in the process.

So yea, I am curious and would love to be able to have contact with him in spirit. Just to hear something from him would mean so much. He obviously has something he wants to say and the impatient bugger he is … he’ll keeping coming back till someone hears him. I could quite easily go to a clairvoyant I speak to when the need arises, shes amazing, always has useful insight into things when I need a little guidance with my own dealings. Maybe it’s time to go to her again.

If guitars could talk, then this is what they sing ….

You taught me to “see” music, to “hear” music and for that I am forever grateful.

You showed me the likes of Joe Satriani, Frank Zappa, Steve Vai and even shoved your obsessive love for the Beatles upon me … and i kinda like them alot more than I did. The musical encyclopaedia as we used to call you. Thank you. x

I loved it when you played this ….

Dedication to a very special friend who lives in my heart.

It’s been one year since you last graced us with your presence and you are sorely missed by all.

In spirit and in life <3.

Always with you, Always with me

RIP Speedles x

I read something today which put my mind in a state of confuddlement and I suppose it upset me a little what was written hurt. Not in an intentional way on their behalf but more like I felt forgotten.  It’s amazing how sensitive I can be to certain things and it bugged me for most of the day. I’m fine now though, I have sat down and owned my feelings and decided it’s not worth getting in a tangle about, I can be rather stupid at times and an emotional git. And a couple of words that were said today made me feel a hell of alot better.

I think part of it is because I miss the fluffies a hell of alot and having contact via text messages and the likes have made it harder for me not to pine their company a little, okay alot. They really do bring me to a happy place. I’ve been working and going like a bat out of hell to get so many things done the last few weeks and it’ll all be done in a couple more weeks, that I have finally started to slow down a little and now am impatient for a holiday. Frustrating if anything.

I am getting hit by a few trolls in my private messages of late on fetlife, so haven’t been logging on as much. I just can’t be assed dealing with the numpties. “Single & Polyamorous” seems to bring out all sorts of eejits lol. I have been avoiding lots of things lately, generally because I just don’t have the energy to deal with extra shit right now. It’s taken me two weeks just to get time to go visit a friend and their new little baby boy. I still have to make a call to find out whats happening with this burial shit. I’ve been putting it off as long as possible because I really don’t want a “date” weighing on my mind. It’s just too hard to think about any of it. I did however muse over dates as this weekend is a year since I spent time with him before he passed so memories have been flooding back and clouding my mind. I keep trying to think positive, it’s not a good weekend to break down and have a cry. Ugh. It’s almost like I know it’s sat there waiting to come out but I’ve been pushing it down again because I have to be strong and deal with daily life. The little one only has me to rely on and I’m no good to him if I am a mess.Next week is the hard one, I’ll get through it, one day at a time.

I think my problem is I tend to over think every minute damn thing. It’s a curse and sometimes a blessing but most of the time it does my head in. Learing to recognise that has not been easy and there are times I still go off on silly tangents and discover it’s all in my head and I am being silly. Other times there are valid reasons for feeling the way I do but on the other side of the coin I don’t acknowledge those feelings almost as if I am not allowed to feel that way. That comes from deep buried shit. The mind is such a complex thing, sometimes I wish I could find the off button and switch myself off for a while. This weeks sleeping patterns have been completely up the shit …. haven’t got to sleep till after 2am every day this week and up at 7am … I need a sleep in .. a big long one. Gawd I miss those days where if I needed to I could go crash and sleep the day away lol. Can’t do that with a four year old. Just doesn’t happen.

I’ve been chatting to a good friend tonight and every time we chat I go back to the whole subbie mindset. Understanding what she’s going through because I’ve been through it all. It’s a strange feeling looking from the outside in. It reminds me of the things I miss. It also reminds me of how damn content and happy I was back then. I really do need love in my life. Without it, tis like a flower wilting. Needing nourishment. Kinda like what we were discussing, something eating away, destroying the flower when all she needs to do is go back to the place she needs to be and transparency … so damn important …being open and honest about feelings even if it is hard or not the right time. I missed our chats and it’s nice to have her about again.

Anyways I am talking shit now, i have no idea when I’ll get a chance to sit down and write over the weekend, it’s gonna be a busy one  … off to read until I fall asleep. x