Trust is at the heart of the issue. Those who have been abused will probably find it very difficult to be vulnerable to another. Where they have had their control wrenched from them involuntarily, they will naturally hold onto it very tightly.

So what does one do? Thing is we all go through life dealing with ouchies. Hurts, pain. People say, time heals, you’ll get over it. Thing is some of us come out on the other side different than before, damaged. I readily admit I have trust issues. I am well aware of them and I know where they come from. I try constantly to battle those demons and these days I do okay. It’s extremely hard for me not to be guarded. The deepest parts of me stay well and truly buried and it takes a long time for me to allow that part of myself to feel secure enough with someone to bare all. The last time I did it I got stung rather badly, actually the last couple of times.

I accept that some of the things in my life I have experienced have damaged me. They have bought out the wolf in me. I observe, nuances, words spoken, the coy games some wish to play. I chat to alot of people, quite a few males (the joys of social networking sites and the word single seem to attract alot) … mainly because most days I am generally polite, I like people’s minds, some fascinate me … others are plain dense. Thing is just because I say a few words online, doesn’t mean I am going to give up my batteries … yes my vibrator is quite good at what it does and so are some other things. I don’t fall at someone’s feet at the first few sentences. And I also generally take the written word for what it is … words on a screen. Show me I can trust you and don’t treat it as something that can easily be thrown away, and maybe, just maybe then you will gain something more than just my trust.

Then there are those who make it easy for me to trust and then they show me I can. And that’s when I start to wonder if one day I’ll get a little part of what was damaged in me back … maybe it won’t be quite the same but I’ll know. I have started to realise that I can trust again. That there are people in my life who love me for who I am and they are not out to cause me any reason to mistrust. My walls are slowly coming down again. A foundation is being formed.

The wolf is calm, still wild, that part will never leave and I embrace it. Along the way of this wee path, she’s found a pack, one she loves very much. They all bring her something new, all in their own little ways. That is special.

She can feel vulnerable and it’s okay. She can trust again.

Birthday party went extremely well! An awesome day was had by all and the parent support I had today was great. I however, am completely drained and wanting to curl up in my bed but I have a little work I have to get done tonight and chase up a couple clients as well.

There was one incident today that made both myself and the other mum who I had the joint party with raise eyebrows. One of the kids from kindy was invited and he’s a bit of a shit lol. Cute little kid and I think circumstances at home aren’t that great (she’s said a few things and I have been around long enough to know it’s bad), he’s the youngest and has big brothers who continually harrass the poor wee tike so he’s a bit of a tough nut and when he comes here and plays he always seems to have such a ball. His mother … I don’t have alot of time for her nor think very much of her parenting skills but I keep it to myself and generally be polite but that’s as far as it goes.

The phone went an hour after the party had started and it was her, I was right in the middle of feeding all the kids … I got this “Sorry one of the kids has had a heart attack and I have just got back from up North … (okay man not good) … is it okay if I drop T**** off now? I don’t have a present for either of the kids” (three weeks notice before this party … okay … can’t really say no you can’t come because you don’t have a present can I…) So I say yep drop him off, all good.

She turns up … with an extra kid and says he won’t stay unless his brother is with him…. hmmm I think, because he’s been fine every other time hes played with my little one here …. and all the kids here are all good kindy friends they all play with. Other issue, we invited specific kids … games and loot bags were all organised beforehand to feed the amount of kids we had invited …. grrrr. Can’t say no because I am a big softie and can’t bear to see an upset child so I say yep okay.  She then hands me a colored piece of paper with a scrawled invite with marker pen  … party next weekend … same time as another child at kindy  … I’m going to the other kids party because he made an effort to come and bought a present. And his mum came and saw me last week to see if I was coming along and I had already said “absolutely!”.

The other thing that I was not happy about was on the invitations to the little one’s party it said …”if it is a sunny day please bring a change of clothes as we will have water balloons and water pistols for the kids to have fun with a bit of water play” … this mum told her two they were not allowed to get wet …. poor buggers. They promptly were upset because they couldn’t join in and the younger one got upset and wanted to call mum to go home after an hour of being there. I don’t blame him, how fucking sucky. She turned up to pick them up and then says ” we’re off to the beach to go swimming” …. wtf?

So yea apart from the fuckedness of the shameless stink mummy … poor kids must get embarrassed with that shit, the party was loads of fun and I got splattered with quite a few water balloons and cornered with a pack of children with water pistols hehe … it was about 25 degrees here today and damn hot so I didn’t mind

The little one is sat next to me playing with his new toys and I am about to try get him to bed after … banana cake and coffee for mummy aaahhh nice way to end the day.

What does one do after a day in a hot kitchen baking?

Put one’s feet up, watch the sunset,enjoy the beautiful view I have from my office chair,

muse a little , smile and think of the wonderful people I have in my life

then settle down with a good movie and relax …

that’s what I do

Well I did the phonecall thing and his mum has decided she can’t part with his ashes so she keeping him close to her. Down the bottom of the other side of the country, so my goodbyes are going to have to be in my own special way. In a way it’s a relief not having to relive all the funeral hoohah again and the dramas that came with it. Had a good chat with friends who are involved and we have decided we will have a special thing ourselves later on. Thursday been was the actual day of his passing but I just couldn’t bring myself to write about it. I did however have a wee candle burning for him. So this week isn’t going to be as hard as I anticipated. Just memories and both I and a friend today agreed it doesn’t feel like a year has passed and most of it still feels as raw as it did then.

I have for years spoken to clairvoyants and given readings of my own to people who have needed them. The conversation I had today was interesting. He was such a skeptic in life, anything spiritual was complete and utter bollocks and nonsense as far as he was concerned. Three separate clairvoyants have spoken to various people that were close to him and all have said one thing which makes me smile … they had no idea he was so adamantly skeptical, the message …”fuck me … it’s real!” … and apparently the boy has a grin on him a mile wide and they describe him as being like a kid in a candy store. What freaked me out even more was a friend had been to a renowned clairvoyant in NZ only a couple weeks ago. He is well known through a television series regarding psychics and old unsolved murder cases. The guy is fucking amazing and I have no doubt in my mind as to the gift he carries. He asked the audience in which my friend was sat if anyone knew a short guy with a goatie, a small foxy beside his feet, name starting with G, has guitars around him … and then proceeded to mention hanging … she got up and left, too shell shocked and dumbfounded and upset to say anything. He’s a shit, he’s been having various contact through spirit for the last few months, and freaking everyone out in the process.

So yea, I am curious and would love to be able to have contact with him in spirit. Just to hear something from him would mean so much. He obviously has something he wants to say and the impatient bugger he is … he’ll keeping coming back till someone hears him. I could quite easily go to a clairvoyant I speak to when the need arises, shes amazing, always has useful insight into things when I need a little guidance with my own dealings. Maybe it’s time to go to her again.

If guitars could talk, then this is what they sing ….

You taught me to “see” music, to “hear” music and for that I am forever grateful.

You showed me the likes of Joe Satriani, Frank Zappa, Steve Vai and even shoved your obsessive love for the Beatles upon me … and i kinda like them alot more than I did. The musical encyclopaedia as we used to call you. Thank you. x

I loved it when you played this ….

Dedication to a very special friend who lives in my heart.

It’s been one year since you last graced us with your presence and you are sorely missed by all.

In spirit and in life <3.

Always with you, Always with me

RIP Speedles x