The wolf has been a little quiet of late on a personal front. Life has been very full on, so full on wolfie needs to slow down. Herne and I have spoken, we need to slow down, the wolf needs her space, Herne needs to get things sorted at his end, the situation is making it difficult for her and she needs to take time for herself…Herne and wolfie both admitting maybe things are going like bulls in a china stop … woah nellie.

There’s the imp, the happy go lucky lil girl and then there’s the wolf. The wolf in her has only surfaced alot more in the last few months, and in the process become more aware of herself and the things that have become important and breathed life into her again. The freedom she is finding in being herself. And the most important realisation that she needs her pack. She is poly in nature. Maybe she’s a little greedy but she likes lots of loving relationships and the space to explore them, a circle of friends who are considered “family”.

The me that for years has been trying to find some sense of herself and what relationships mean to her. I made this “rule” up that i couldn’t be poly because I couldn’t possibly have more than one Dom until I realised I had infact put a “wall” up for myself to please someone else.  I don’t think I could have two Doms but what if someone came along that didn’t need the D/s aspect, maybe they were just kinky and wanted fun, maybe they had found in me something special and wanted to share and explore with each other in a non sexual way… what if? Relationships that nurture and nourish are what I need. We all need a little Earth, Air, Fire and Water and sometimes a little Spirit is good too.

You see the crux of the matter is I am sick to death of what if? … for too many years the what if? …the logical side, the one that society moulded …. the one that is now being slowly extinguished and being replaced with the person she is inside. The person she wants to be. We are bought up with the notion that to love someone literally means “one”. Why? Who makes that rule? And who said love involves sex? The word platonic makes me giggle … sometimes I wonder if one could term that as poly because hell platonic I have had and everything was there, it still is but we don’t fuck we never have. I joke often with him that we’ll end up in a rest home together. He is in essence what I call a soulmate, one of the pack. Its not easy for some to understand how their lover could love someone else, thing is I have been there alot. I was the lover, I was the one that had relationships with others in open and sometimes not so open relationships. People bring different things to you in life. In relationships. In friendships with benefits. They normally enrich you especially if things are open and communicated. It’s only when things aren’t that stuff tends to blow up in your face and you wonder why…

For years I explored different things, one or in my case a few nighters, a few casual yet regular fuckbuddies, a couple relationships in between things, always with a sense of drifting, needing to run wild, the feeling of being trapped in a stagnant place. Relationships are important to me, my pack, the people close to me in life and many are varied in lifestyles. Even in most relationships I have had a huge amount of space and it’s okay, it doesn’t make me any less distant, I don’t do well with being smothered, hell I am okay with time out and sometimes I get needy or cuddly but generally I am a hermit. I’m pretty happy with my life at the moment. The good old pagan lifestyle is becoming a part of my life again, for a while there I lost my way a little but the past few months tarot readings, crystals, sabbats and little witchy things slowly appearing have been a huge comfort. I am feeling grounded. I am feeling creative.

I did a little quiet ritual today, said a few words, drank a little wine and fed the earth with the things that were eating at me, releasing the silliness in fears and being honest with myself. Transperency is hard. Tonight I did so, Herne took it all in as I told him a few things that were on my mind. I need space, maybe moreso than most people but I am honest about it. So we are now “somewhere” than where I was earlier today and honesty is good and I feel better. I need to feel the spark and I need to explore this relationship a little more before committing deeper. The D/s has been great don’t get me wrong. I also need the space to explore the things that are important to me. To spend time nurturing the relationships I have built with others and to spend time alone, “me” time which is becoming a rare commodity these days. So yea that’s kinda why I haven’t done any heart rendering posts of late, my minds been all over the place and in a mixed up kinda turmoil trying to work things out. Transparency may be hard but hell it helps. Hopefully my wee writer’s block has fucked off.