You know when you meet someone and there’s a spark, a stirring of the heart? Herne and I met online, we talked for numerous hours, we met. We have spent time together, alot of time but no matter how hard I try to find it, there’s no spark, there’s something missing, it’s definately not him, it’s my feelings. He is a loving, caring, passionate man and an amazing Master. For a long time I quashed my instincts with many things and in the process I got burnt, through no fault of my own for not being honest with myself and ignoring my feelings believing I could “fix” things.
Last night we talked about what I have been feeling the past week. Things slowly building momentum in my head, me not talking because I couldn’t find the words, I didn’t know myself what I was needing to do. I told him for me there is no passion there, I dont want to hurt his feelings, hell I hate upsetting anyone, I hate conflict, I hate drama. But I needed to say what was on my mind. Things are still mulling around in my head and will highly likely continue to do so over the next few days.
We need to go back to just plain old dating, hanging out as friends, something we will have to work out. I don’t think I am ready or ever will be ready for a full time monogamous relationship it’s too soon, it’s only been a year since my last relationship and a hell of alot of rebuilding, making plans and goals and these things I needed to do for myself, and am still doing so. It’s trying to work out how all the things I want and need will fit with “me”. I want to explore and be happy in the process and be free to make decisions for myself regarding my happiness. It’s not being selfish although sometimes I feel that way, it’s more to do with doing what makes me grow as a person and what I need to be and I am still finding it all out.
No one owns my love nor my sexuality, it’s there to give, that itself is mine alone, could I be a slave? The answer is probably no. Why? … because I need to be able to own myself. Submissive yes, slave no.There may be slavish tendencies there but they are not willing to go there.
Herne needs and wants a slave. No matter what he says I can see that, that is something he should have. I have mentioned to him that I am poly in nature, when I look back at all the past relationships I have had I have never been happy in a monogamous relationship. A Master needs to be in control of his life, Herne has things he needs to do for himself. Just like I do. So at this point we have things to work out which will take time and alot of talking. I have been distant the past few days trying to make sense of things and desperately needing space. He knows and I am trying not to be a horrible bitch which is what happens when I get like this. Time & quietness is needed for wolfie.
Lesson … learn to slow the fuck down I may be an Ox but I ain’t no bull x
mina
on Oct 4th, 2008
@ 03:00:
I applaud you for being so open and honest. It is always best to be thruthful with each other. I too could never be a slave. It’s just not in me. It would be very hard for any man to make me into a true slave. He would have to break me. I know what you mean about missing that spark. I left an otherwise good relationship because it was missing that raw passion. I had to leave and find my happiness. I also understand how you want to take things back a step, almost start over again. With everything that has been going on in my life, I have done the same. I have put my submission on the shelf. I need to get myself together as well as my relationship with Sylvanus. Once all the pieces are back in place. I want to rebuild my submission once more and hopefully it will be even stronger.
trinity-pup
on Oct 4th, 2008
@ 03:25:
i echo what mina says – as much as the fantasy of being a slave excites me, i don’t think i could be one either. i am sorry it’s not working out quite how you wanted it to, but if there’s no spark, then it’s not easy to have such an intense relationship, which D/s is all about. i wish you luck with finding what you really need, but it’s a minefield out there.
hugs and kisses
pup xx
vanimp
on Oct 4th, 2008
@ 12:15:
@ mina Agreed re the “he’d have to break me” comment, so damn true for myself as well and a place I am not willing to put myself in because then I lose myself in the process which is ultimately not what D/s is about for me.
@ pup the intensity is what I need to fuel things for me if the spark isn’t there it simply isn’t and there’s no way to force it to ignite, a slow burning flame or a fire is better than nothing at all x