Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem quia dolor sit amet,
consectetur, adipisci velit …

(There is no one who loves pain itself, who seeks after it and wants to have it, simply because it is pain…)

“When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.”

-Leonardo da Vinci

“We have begun this journey as Owner and pet as I had told Herne I didn’t want to start off as a relationship without that dynamic, I knew I would find it too difficult to just have a nilla relationship and then build a D/s relationship on top of it.”

Mina asked if I would expand on this in a comment on a previous post and when I started to write I realised there was more than just a comment’s worth so my dear I shall comment further in a post.

Herne and I covered alot of ground in chat’s and conversations before we embarked on this journey, a hell of alot relating to the D/s aspect. I am a very strong minded person and quite stubborn, okay maybe alot stubborn hehe. I know what my previous relationships resulted in and it was something I was never happy with but it seemed to be a pattern and a pattern that left me feeling very unhappy everytime. I am a control freak and generally dominant in every day life. I probably come across as quite “domly” to people who know me in a vanilla sense and I can be. I will take control if allowed but it does absolutely notyhing for me.

In past relationships I took the control because they allowed me to and in the process I got very wired and shitty alot because I couldn’t find the release I so badly needed and I couldn’t communicate that need. I didn’t really know what the hell was wrong. Eventually those relationships broke down because I was unhappy, the intimacy disappeared and at the time I really had no idea why things happened the way they did.

When I started exploring the D/s dynamic within a long distance relationship something inside of me sparked. I became more grounded, calmer because he took that control away, through discipline, and micro managing me. I thrived although something was still lacking which ultimately his presence and the physical aspect I craved. I started to realise what worked for me and what I needed.

If Herne and I had started as a vanilla aspect without the D/s as a part of it,  I know and I explained to Herne that the control aspect would have come to the fore, and I would have had a major internal struggle submitting to him because the basis would have been wrong for me. He understands and sees that and just as it is my nature to need to be submissive to him it is in his nature to need to have the dominance. We would both be unhappy without it. The glint in his eye tells me alot lol.

I need and crave the relase of submitting, my daily life is very challeneging, being a mother, working and running a business, the last thing I want is to control a relationship and be the decision maker and the one who manages everything, it drains me, it leaves me feeling exhausted. I need Herne to be able to take control and say no. I need and want that “man” to dominate me. And when he does I am calmer and more peaceful within myself, it flows out into everyday life and I thrive as a person. I am still me in essence, he just brings out the better part of me by being who he is.

For me D/s is altruisitc for both of us, he takes care of me as I do him, a want to do things for each other without  expectations, a natural process where we both get what we need through submission and dominance. It is who we are.

Over the past two weeks Herne has been learning about me as I have him, and I am learning things about myself in the process. Tonight he grabbed my nipples hard, really hard and I basically winced and said “jesus that fucking hurts”. He smiles and says, “I was hurting them alot more the other night”. I thought he was joking until he reminded me about mentioning how wonderful it would be to pierce them and how needles could be fun … ugh me hatez needles.

Me, well I was a little stunned as the other night we had been playing for a while and when he grabbed them and squeezed them I had felt nothing, no pain like tonight. It got me thinking about the different levels of pain I have been recieving and the states of mind they put me in. It’s almost a foreign feeling to me how pain can put me in such a state that after a while something that would hurt on a random whim wouldn’t after a while of play, how the body adjusts and processes pain in different states of self.

Tonight Herne decided that for this weeks HNT we would put some purdy cane marks on my butt, and the build up to it had been intermittent throughout the day, little reminders here and there. My body was in a state of being on edge and waiting. A few days ago we had played with a green bamboo cane, rather whippy and as he explained tonight when we were talking, it had quite a bit of give. I had commented after tonights session that the new cane he had used tonight was alot different and fucking hurt alot more than the green cane and he explained the difference between the two.

My ass recieved a few whippy’s from the green cane and by that stage after having wax, clothespins and a hell of alot of yummy biting and hair pulling and spanks, it didn’t hurt as much as it did the other night. He explained I had no warm up last time and pointed out the difference which I understood. The new one however caused me to curse like a banshee, the word fuck seemed to come out after every caning in various forms … older bamboo, no give and coated with an evil plastic, the afterburn from that one being rather intense. Very fucking stingy in fact … me hates that cane already.

What I have found out is I can take a hell of alot more intense type pain when I reach subbie space and things become a little blurry and I also discovered I quite like being caned lol. Or at least my body said so by the state of how fucking wet I was haha. Interesting night of mind boggling discovery.

I really need to get rid of the damn bamboo bush in the corner of my section …

… bitten & caned into bliss with a smile upon her mind …

I will sit in an alcove of your mouth
As on a stone near a waterfall
Certain that the maelstrom of words will not spirit me away.

I will crouch in the corner of your eye
Like a lily sprouting in the shallows near the shore
With petals tiny so as not to distract.

For after all, what am I?
A frozen wave in space
Wrested from the sea of your chest,
You stretch your hands towards me in vain.

(Luljeta Lleshanaku)