friend: “I don’t want him back in my life as a lover I want him as a friend, the new one is getting a little besotted with me…”

me:” good **** is not a healthy relationship for you and as for the latest toy, he’s in a committed marriage, he’s cheating on his wife, she has no clue, anything long term with him and you is what? … based on dishonesty? can you really trust him? …will he go back to using prostitutes if you don’t give him what he wants? ”

friend:“I want to pick the next person I want to fall in love with, they always pick me”

me:” then do it, you are not tied to any one person, you do what makes you happy and as long as you are comfortable in your own skin then do it, you can have as many relationships as you want, there are no rules, just don’t put yourself in places you don’t want to be”

friend:“I don’t want lots of lovers but i don’t want to be stuck with someone I don’t really want to be with either, I want to meet people, make new friends and see where things go”

me:“you are free to pursue whoever you want in whatever form that may take, as long as you maintain honesty with yourself, find what nourishes you, be open”

…. okay so it’s 3.30am (and no telling me to go to bed doesn’t work hehe unless you have magical powers), and yes I have a bout of insomnia, nothing a nap won’t fix later.

This was part of a conversation I had with a “nilla” friend the other day. She’s knows about my hidden side lol. After speaking to her it’s been bugging me a little, my perspective on relationships has changed. She’s noticed and she’s fine with it. Well not really, I have always been that way in thinking, it’s just the conversation bought home a few things I have been trying to sort in my head. I’m the one that was never tied down, I had fuckbuddies lol. These days I would prefer to have something a little deeper than just a fucking good friend or friends with benefits, I would rather have something that’s ongoing but not tied down, I’m still working on it but I dunno maybe it’s my upcoming birthday in a week, maybe all this crap I have been through this year has made me look at life a little differently of late, all I know is the decisions I am making for myself of late have been positive ones, and the journey has only just begun. For once I am beginning to smile again, I am starting to remember what it’s like to actually enjoy life again and it’s a feeling I want to grow. So I am learning to put my needs first for a change instead of everyone else’s. And on that note I am going to bed before I write utter rambling bollocks and bore you all silly. Maybe I thnk too much.

Life is too short to have regrets.

P.S … I am insanely horny grrr *shakesfist at raging hormones and annoying brain*

Respect the Elders

The elders have known many seasons and have seen many things. Their knowledge and understanding can be a valuable asset in helping one along one’s path. Try to remember that their knowledge may be strange to you and at times seem senseless – but be patient, open your mind, and show respect to make yourself worthy so that, maybe, they will make an effort to teach you what the years have taught them.

Teach the young.

When you see the gaze of innocent confusion in a young pups eyes, take them into your care, be patient, and try to help them understand. Remember that your years have taught you much and that what seems so simple beneath your graying fur is alien, unknown, or misunderstood to the yearling. Reflect on how it was to fail and on the struggle that has brought you to this moment, then realize that your words may spare another much grief if only they will hear you.

Cooperate with the pack.

The pack protects and guards it’s mates, but only if each does their duty. This is the virtue of honor; the strength in unity; a benefit of mutual love and respect within the pack. One’s personal views may differ from the pack view – but remember upon whose kill you have been granted the right to feed – and remember that each must pay their own way. For a wolf, this price is the respect shown unto the alphas, the pack and, the pack ways.

Play when you can.

Without play one loses the light in one’s spirit. Play strengthens the pack bond and gives rise to fondness between mates. Play helps the pups learn social skills, find their strength, and know their proper place. Play also keeps a wolf limber for the hunt and in good health to defend pack territory. Spend some time with the yearlings and your favored mates, for in their joy, so shall you find your joy.

Hunt when you must.

When the howl is joined and the hunt is called feel proud to do your duty and honor the code. As the alpha nips at the buck’s nose quickly rend and bring him down from behind; in force, never hold back, and thus minimize the danger of a hoof to the groin – or worse. When the alpha and his bitch have fed your efforts shall be rewarded with a full gut. And never forget that when it’s time to submit to your leader, a lick is better than a nip.

Rest in between.

A wolf must rest to renew one’s strength and refresh one’s body and mind. Times may come when rest is hard, or the dripping of rain upon one’s head causes one’s ears to flick – how annoying this can be! So when the opportunity for a good sound rest comes your way, clasp it in dreams of running, hunting, howling, and mating, for rest is a most dear treasure for a wolf.

Share your affections.

Within the pack each wolf is a brother, a sister, or parent, so each should love the others. Sometimes a warmth will flood a wolf’s heart; a warmth that wants for the gentle lick, the tender nuzzle, or the comfort of a warm furry mate to curl around. When a wolf feels these things they should be acted upon and expressed, for every wolf wants to be shown love and respect, even if reluctant to respond. To show feelings of love makes the pack strong and loyally bound.

Voice your feelings.

When a wolf holds feelings inside a bitter coldness can build within the heart and mind; this is not healthy for it will make the guts rumble in the night and give rise to the tendency to nip at one’s mates. Misunderstandings only grow deeper in this kind of silence. But remember to think before you woof and try and place your paws in the tracks of another wolf before nipping because of delusion, fear, frustration, or anger.

Leave your mark.

When a wolf travels throughout the territory he should occasionally lift a leg merely for the purpose of letting himself be known. This familiarity helps to prevent encroachment of the other packs. Also, there is happiness to be found in one’s accomplishments – so let others know what you’ve done and where you’ve been, for you will become renown and loved by the pack when they scent you; they honor your contributions to the pack strength and health.

I have twitter as you may have noticed on the sidebar. It’s how I keep an eye on what’s going on in the blogging world hehe or one way… I like to follow other bloggers who write about kink, but not just about good old sex but about their lives, their passions and their innermost thoughts, and I have begun very beautiful online friendships this way, some I am lucky to meet. In little old NZ, there’s not alot of us that write about kink or their sex lives for that matter. So it’s cool when I read about what affects my life in the country I live in, the social morals here and how things are changing for the better.

Civil unions in New Zealand were passed into law on 9 December 2004 when Parliament passed the Civil Union Act to establish the institution of civil union for same-sex and heterosexual couples. The Act has been described as very similar to the Marriage Act with references to “marriage” replaced by “civil union”. A companion bill, the Relationships (Statutory References) Bill, was passed shortly thereafter on 15 March 2005, to remove discriminatory provisions on the basis of relationship status from a range of statutes and regulations. As a result of these bills, all couples in New Zealand, whether married, in a civil union, or in a de facto partnership, now generally enjoy the same rights and undertake the same obligations. These rights extend to immigration, next-of-kin status, social welfare, matrimonial property and other areas. Non-married couples are not however permitted to adopt children, although people in non-marital relationships can adopt as individuals.

I’m pagan. I don’t believe in the traditional “white wedding”. I pretty much don’t like doing what everyone else does, to a point, I never have, I prefer to do the things I feel comfortable with. My ex had me engaged but that’s as far as it ever went because I wasn’t interested in the whole thing at the time, so I agreed to become engaged for a while, now I look back that was just stupid, I wasn’t interested in the whole wedding hoopla.

Sure some of my family have gone down the route of the white wedding, and hell they enjoyed it. I’m not Christian, I don’t see why if I want to make a committment to my life partner (if I had one haha), has to be in a church or using any form of Christian tradition, what a lie of a day because it doesn’t hold any of my beliefs. If I am going to commit to someone it’s not because of other’s beliefs, opinions or desires as to the how …. it’s the why, it’s about the two people who are comitting to each other in whatever form that takes. It’s for those two people alone, their path.

CurvaceousDee wrote about her civil union. It was bloody refreshing to read something about a wonderful couple doing what works for them. I totally support the civil union idea and now thanks to the law being introduced in NZ I could have a legal handfasting or simply a get together and do what I am comfortable with, if that ever arose, hehe bugger that right now thanks.

A relative of mine went overseas a few years back, she went backpacking in Europe, a young single kiwi chick out on an adventure. She met a german guy and for three weeks they cruised around Germany and he showed her the sights, three weeks more and they were married in a registry office. It’s twenty-two years later and they are still very much in love and still together. I love telling this story because I have had the pleasure of watching this relationship. It’s beautiful. It also reminds me anything can happen and it doesn’t have to be the way everyone envisages it should be.

One of my siblings is getting married next year,the church, the big white dress is being organised for the bride, they are all running amok like twatters on amphetamine’s organising it and I am sat back watching with a sly amusement thinking, what exactly are you doing it for? If you love each other why not have a simple get together, have a civil union, spend the money on much needed things, clear your debt, they are both very young.

But if this is their dream then so be it who am I to judge, right?

What right does any other person have to tell you how it should be?

Kinda like kink ain’t it? You do what fits and works for you.

It’s just nice to see the laws changing with the times and accepting that society is changing, the way we view relationships is changing, slowly but surely.

I blame Dee totally for this rambling post haha, she made the muse in me rise to the surface, brilliant post she did and the article, go read it if you haven’t already. x

“Philosophy is something reasoned and heavy; poetry something winged, flashing, inspired…It is the acme of life to understand life. The height of poetry is to speak the language of the gods.”

– George Santayana, Three Philosophical Poets

Okies emo moment over, I had a bad day. Grief is a bitch of a thing. Hormones suck too.

I should explain myself. I lost my best friend to suicide, it’s been mentioned on here before. I have spoken to and met many people who have dealt with a suicide. It isn’t easy. There are no answers, usually when someone passes there’s a reason, with suicide there’s often not. We are burying his ashes in December (he died last year on the 3rd December), so have been talking to a close friend regarding it, and basically just when I think I am dealing with it all, it kinda hit me again yesterday. Tears flowed, memories I keep buried rose and well you had a very wired me. It doesn’t take much at the moment I have a very sensitive nature. I tend to withdraw when I get like this.

He wasn’t just a friend he was like a big brother for me. We flatted together on and off a few times over the past 15 years. He could make me laugh being goofy as he always was. He was a calming influence on me and he always had the right advice. Sometimes he would shake his head at the insane shit I did but he accepted me and was proud to be a friend of mine. Platonic friends in every sense. I remember the day he came to me all excited because he had met this woman that he really liked. He was an extremely shy person, he didn’t initiate relationships, he was in all essence a genuine sweetie. And he was a shortass like me. Me being me, wanted to know all the juicy details and then proceeded to help him “grow some balls” as we term it here, and tell this chick he liked her.

To cut a long story short, they became a couple, they had a gorgeous little girl, everything was great, then when I came home from aussie he was one of the first people knocking down my door to come and see me and give me a huge hug.  I spent a bit of time with him, he had told me they had split and said a few things which gave me a new perspective on the ex girlfriend. He was always a gentle soul, he hated drama, he loved honesty, which is why he and I got along so well. He was an amazing father even though that was something he had not wanted for himself in life, fatherhood. His ex had been treating him like shit, he was down but seemed to be coping. I even went and watched him play a few nights with his band. The guy was a brilliant musician, played everything by ear, couldn’t read music and my god he was good.

Then I got a phonecall at 8am on a Wednesday morning, half asleep I answered the call, “Speedy is dead mate, he hung himself in the bathroom last night”  …. I crumpled on the floor right then and there and cried my heart out. Disbelief, I wanted to wake up from a bad dream, but it was real. I spent the next few days numb, dealing with people and tracking down old friends, I was one of the “circle” so to speak so I was asked to help with bits and pieces regarding the funeral and getting people home to say goodbye. I kept busy, very busy so I didn’t have time to think. I spent the whole two or three weeks picking everyone else up, making sure they were okay, almost robotic, not wanting to deal with my own pain I took on everyone else’s.

It’s been a good nine months since he died, and every now and then I have a day where I am not quite right. Yesterday was one of them, I miss him alot. It’s hard to come to terms that I will never have a hug, a giggle, a random visit and a big fat spliff with him anymore. So I went for a long walk to clear my head, and then spent the afternoon gardening. It grounds me.

So emo moment is over … I was grieving and feeling sorry for myself which happens on occassion. And I miss my kitty family. It’s been such a wonderful two weeks and for once I actually enjoyed myself so much I forgot about all the crappy shit for a while and it was a nice feeling. Change is good.