“..I can very well imagine you sitting amongst a pack of wolves actually, and something also tells me that VERY few of the wolves would have any clue whatsoever that they were being used as amusement alone for a certain she-wolf…”

I am going to stop calling him M on the blog, simply because he’s not my Master anymore, he hasn’t been for a long while now,it has been a difficult journey for both of us to change through this transition of me being released but we were both determined to work through all the hard stuff and resurrect a solid friendship from this which is what we have done, so from now on I will call him Jay.

I love his little references towards my mind and my nature, sometimes he knows me too well. Sometimes not at all. But with this one he was right. He knows that I am moving on and I have been telling him about a few of the little escapades I have encountered via the various websites. He also knows how quick I can be to turn from kitten to wolf. He calls me a searcher, a restless soul, one that simply cannot settle, always looking for adventures, asking questions, continually searching for answers. And continually reminds me of that bratty streak I possess. He worries. As he should, he knows what I am like. But he also knows I am more than capable of fending for myself, I have done so for a long number of years through necessity.

Our letter writing has become regular, flicking musings backwards and forwards, the constant hypotheticals and theories on so many little things. The sharing of poetry and stories, actually I sent him one a couple of weeks ago and he was keen to write a reply, or an opposite version to mine but was a little embarrassed to do so because of his present sitution. I told him simply ” fuck them it might give them a little passion and desire and wanton filthy thoughts for the day, if anything it may even pull a little guilt out of their overbearing noses that poke and pry in people’s personal affairs”

My dear friend asked me a question the other day and it took me a little while to answer but I did.

“If persay you aquire a new Master down the track, what will happen with M? What if they demand you cut all contact with him?

It actually angered me briefly because deep down I knew that this could very well be something that may crop up at some point. He is a dear friend, there are others in my life who have been lovers and were friends as well, they still continue to be in my life in varying degrees. If a man feels threatned by M it is their choice to assume that role of jealous and insecure. I will not be dictated to as to whom I can and cannot have in my life. He has not harmed me in any way what so ever, maybe a broken heart, but his is just as broken if not more hurt than mine. It is a hard limit for me when it comes to being told I am not allowed contact with someone because of someone else’s insecurities and that’s how I see it. If however there was a situation where I was being harmed emotionally or physically, indirectly or directly, then that would be a completely different scenario, but it’s not. He’s a dear friend and that’s how I see it, if they cannot then they do not know ME.

Actually I had one tell me the other day that Jay’s suicide attempt was simply to gain my pity and get me back… that person stupidly decided that one without knowing all the facts … people like that annoy me. Actually it was layered with a little guilt for lying to me about his age and his past BUT it wasn’t the reasoning behind the attempt, it was so much deeper than just me. They didn’t bother to ask the questions, more intent on having a controlling grip on my thoughts .. the difference being it was damn well NOT consensual agreement there. I repeat I am not stupid, blind at times maybe, purposefully ignoring things I do not wish to confront, but NEVER blind to manipulation.

Apparently she was quite pleased with this answer and replied, “Good because I like him, he has only helped you grow into a stronger, better woman, and by god I have noticed”

That bought a smile to my face. She knows about my kink. One of the very few.

She also knows it helps me be the woman I need to be.

Friends … the most precious gifts in the world.

Smoking update: so far so good, homeopathic remedies, loads of water and 12 hours with no nicotine lol. Mood… stable hehe. My oral fixation is now focussed on lollipops hehe.