Yep I am a harry potter freak

You know what scrap all the shit I just wrote.  After discussing my thoughts regarding Dominant behaviours with a trusted and good friend who happens to be a Dominant my flags have gone up.

I wasn’t comfortable with where today has progressed, I have re-iterated this to him and have gone away and thought about the replies he has given to all my questions.  And now have spoken to a trusted friend who has known me for the last 15 years, shes aware of my old Master and she said something today which made me wake up.  She reminded me the whole time I was seeing my old Master not once was I upset to the degree I was when she found me this afternoon.  I was unsettled and very confused until I sat down and discussed things with her. Now shes not kinky at all but she knows enough about how it all works.  Especially the safety aspect, she is one of my safe calls.

A mantra with “I am beautiful and worthy” in it … I let it pass, now it just irritates the fuck out of me.  Excuse me … worthy !!!! I am not saying anymore on that part.  My mouth will run loose.

Expecting me to go on cam on day 2 naked … you could be a fucking axe murderer for all I know.  I am already a stupid bitch for sending pictures, and giving you as much info as I have already.

But what really bugs me is having the gaul to assume I have been reading a book because I won’t play on a first meet. I am not saying anymore on that except … 2 days, six months, either way same thing.

I tried being honest about my feelings and it really hasn’t had an effect.  He’s leaving it until tomorrow, I said I would do the tasks set but the more I think about it all the more I realise we just are not going to work, he’s not the type of Dom I need.  I did ask him today to take this back to a friends level yet he’s pushing to retain the D/s aspect. He needs a slave, I am a submissive, I am not prepared to put myself in a position where I know it is not right for him or I. He’s going to read this in the morning, so be it.  I am being honest and I trust my friends and what they see from the outside. x

Fuck this shit lol I am taking a break.

So as far as under consideration consider me not … I’m not worthy lol

I can be such an angry little shit at times. Especially when I know I have a right to be. I did the right thing today.  The ex rang to speak to the little one and back to normal he doesn’t want to speak to Daddy *sigh*, so I explained that we just had to have a little patience and I wasn’t going to force the issue, you can’t with a four year old lol.  I apologised for going off on a tangent at the ex for the recent holiday saga and the not telling me about introducing a new person into “our” sons life without letting me know, especially after a year of not seeing our son since the split and then showing up with a new woman, and now I have since found out “daddy is going to marry her” … this I giggled at (he asked me to marry him in the first month we had met and I wisely declined), history repeats itself. he was almost proud of himself until I said that I was however not sorry for what I said, just that I was apologising for the yelling (and swearing hehe). I was angry and had a right to be, he had made a decision concerning our son that should have been discussed. Instead of talking he has said “let’s not go there” … *curses*

I have spent the last week mulling over what had happened and feeling bad but beginning to realise that it was okay for me to express how I felt and how I was worried on the impact of all of this has been on our son.  Friends who know us both well and have seen us as parents and partners and ex partners were wide mouthed when I had explained what had happened.  Shock would be the word to describe it.  I walked away from that realtionship with my head held high, I made the decision to walk away from a five year relationship because he was unfaithful, I could have stayed but for what a love that had been shattered to a point no amount of trying to fix it would have worked because the trust was gone and it was very fragile to begin with.  They say a leopard never changes his spots and I never did get it until now … habit, lack of communication leads to things not said when they need to be, honesty a foundation that without it, is a pointless waste of time.

At least if he had told me upfront thats what he was doing and made contact as i had asked prior to the visit, to let me know where they were, I would have been better prepared for all of this and the aftermath of the visit which is just beginning to surface in my son.  I took him to a birthday party on Saturday, a lovely little Japanese boy has started kindy and he only invited two kids from kindy out of thirty kids and the little one was so excited, I love the multicultural thing, it’s brilliant, so eye opening and refreshing.  His mum speaks very limited english as she is learning but she’s lovely, through the jilted conversations we had she is keen to have me around for a Japanese meal YUM  While there I met another mum who is in the same situation as I, children with an absent father.  Her ex also lives overseas and visits and contacts the kids eratically and we had a good chat about our fears, the childrens well being, the effects we were coping with yadda yadda.  It made me feel better because i realised I am doing okay.  She even said I seemed very strong and was coping well.

I have challenges in life I have overcome through sheer courage, that never say die attitude.  Over the years you fine tune it, you start to see pointless endeavours for what they are, you begin to understand what’s real.  Life is real, it’s what you make of it. I remind myself of the good things, the things that make me smile, the things that warm my heart and they outweight the crap by far.  I have spent the day pottering about with my son, catching up with a close friend and chatting on and off to a few friends online.  It’s been a quiet day of a little reflection which I know I need when I get pissed off, space and quiet time.

I am really grateful to my friends, people with true hearts are a rare breed, the rest are just broken and don’t know how to fix themselves, my friends help keep me sane. There’s a maori term here “whanau” which means extended family. My friends are my whanau. Connected souls.

With a wolf nature my “family” are those that are in this circle of friends, they don’t necessarily have to be blood relatives, people come into your lives for different reasons, some of those people become dear to your heart, you share the trials and tribulations of your lives together, sharing the highs and the lows.  And I would protect them at all costs, I have done so at times over the years.  I am quite happy to stand up for what I believe is right. Teeth bared if need be. That will not change it is in essence who I am.

Because of this recent saga it’s taken a toll, I was on edge, agitated until I finally worked out what the hell was bugging me.  I don’t know where all this will go with the ex and the current situation, being absent from our son’s life to this degree and the effects it will have, I worry as a mother would. I worry for my son.  but deep down i know it’s going to be fine, I am doing fine, hell I keep getting told what a wonderful boy he is and I see it. So I am going to trust my instincts and do what I think is right for my son.  I will protect him like the wolf mother I am. And the extended family of mine I cherish everyday because that’s what is important in life, not all the mundane bullshit.

Oh and I have a gorgeous blonde, blue eyed nephew arrive in the world today babys are cute but I don’t want anymore, hehe she’s already cleaning poopy nappies ugh. I like babies I can give back haha.

Okies ramble over x

If blood will flow when fresh and steel are one
Drying in the colour of the evening sun
Tomorrows rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetimes argument
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are
How fragile we are how fragile we are

There are days when I am simply at a loss for words, today is one of them.  I am scared of becoming bitter regarding all of these idiots who decide to use me as a toy and then disregard because they cannot be honest from the beginning. Am I too naive, am I too fucking nice?  Why? I am at a point where I am starting to wonder of it’s all worth it. As a friend reminded me, there are arseholes out there don’t let them mess you up… (I needed that, thank you x) Problem is it’s beginning to.

The recent guy seemed very lovely and genuine, did all the right things, I have safeguards in place and a couple friends in the lifestyle I talk to, hell online I have a wonderful support network.  One subbie friend has followed this from day one, shes seen some of the conversations.  Yet he managed to fool her too.  I try and be clear with people, I am who I am and this is my life, if there’s something that you don’t gel with thats fine, go … but to hang about and give one the impression you are interested and then coldly walk away is callous. To instigate any form of play is built on trust, to shatter that trust for one’s own selfish needs … well … the word Master and or Sir is reserved for genuine real men not this one in particular. More like cunt.

I am genuinely disgusted, pissed off and a little melancholy at the moment so I am going to do what I always do, immerse myself in work, at least it takes my mind off things.

I have had it with dating right now. I really have. Fuck even vanilla is looking okay again LOL, but seriously no ugh. Tomorrow is another day *sigh*