Well orgasms and my oral fixation with lollipops help take the edge off giving up smoking hehe. Everytime the chance arose to go and play I did yesterday and by god my general mood combined with that and the good old homeopathic remedies have kept me nice and calm. Went out for the afternoon yesterday and enjoyed a walk about and window shopping with a nice big cup of Starbucks coffee and then decided to go to the Art Gallery we have here, with a friend. It’s not a big gallery at all but still it was an enjoyable afternoon, and my friend kept me at a safe distance from all the bookshops lol. I have a problem … everytime I am near a bookshop I have a habit of walking out with a book. It’s great but not so great for my wallet.

New compie is ordered and paid for now, should be here middle of next week, so I have until then to try and get through all this work I have at the moment and sort this thing folders wise and do some backups, all time consuming crap. My son’s Dad flew in this morning at about 4am and I’ve not heard from him so I am assuming everything is okay.

Mastersvixen has now been completely removed from everywhere, Fetlife was the last place for it to go. Still a vixen just not Master’s anymore, plain old nilla impaired instead hehe. Somebody already had vixen

I have to learn to say thank you more often. I am really shit at taking compliments regarding my looks. I don’t think of myself as pretty, Jay used to get so fucked off at me but he understood that for me beauty isn’t external, it’s internal. I am one of those people who grew up with abuse via a stepfather, not the physical kind but the emotional abuse which apparently a psych said was able to have a more far reaching impact than physical abuse had, I don’t talk about it on here because it’s personal and something I will only discuss with people on a close friends level. Also the reason why I have major limits and are very wary of humiliation play and degradation.

Either way it did have an effect on my growing up, reasons behind decisions I made, I was one of the lucky ones, I got out okay, I knew it wasn’t me, it was his illness that caused me so much pain as a child BUT it does have a lasting effect, one which I continue to battle, little coping mechanisms, reaction triggers. A close friend of mine was physically abused in a relationship for a number of years, its been 7 years since she left him, but the scars remain, little triggers such as mine that set us off on a tangent, but we ARE aware, we know these things are no fault of our own, just something so deeply ingrained. With time and love these things fade. Hence the little stupid issues I have with compliments in general. I suppose a sense of disbelief and yes I know it’s completely stupid.

Alot like my spiritual stuff, most people who know me don’t have any clue I am pagan, my close friends know I am but its not an outward thing, the only things they notice is my mantlepiece has aquired alot of bits and bobs and my “star” as my son calls it, around my neck are the only visible signs. They know I sometimes act a little weird or sense things but thats it and they are used to me going off on little tangents or suddenly telling a spirit to sod off and leave me alone lol. It’s my thing. I had a Dom mention he and I wouldn’t be compatible because I was “metaphysically” minded… lol what does one say *sigh*… funny how people make such decisions without getting to know someone first, I wasn’t actually interested in him in that way, more an “intellectual” friend. Friendships can bring so much richness to someone’s life.

I grew up as a tomboy, I am a jeans and t-shirt girl. My skin reacts to make up, at the moment it is clearing up after the last time I wore the damn shit. I love dressing up, make up the works, but it’s not cheap to do so lol. One reason no more smoking, I figure if I can spend that much on ciggies all the time, that money would be put to better use in making me feel good. Well that’s my theory, and I won’t even start on the whole smoking thing. I am giving up for me and I refuse to be one of those “non smoker that gave up preaching type fucktard”, that holier than thou attitude gets up my nose. So what you gave up smoking like thousands of other people because why? … because its fucking gross and one day if something else doesn’t first, it will kill you. There, easy wasn’t it. Now shush.

Gawd I am getting really good at rambling shit. I will try do some decent posts when I have a little free time. At the moment its not happening lol. I jump on here, write like a madwoman then bugger off to work again, today it’s work and I have people popping in and out today.

Dating update: meh

Smoking update: now day 2, mood great, no cravings oddly, walks around saying “I am a non smoker”