Most of today was spent talking on and off with a few close subby friends. I love the discussions we have together. We all understand each others dynamics, and they have been a great support and insight into my recent issues.

And then we have conversations about things that are bugging us regarding D/s issues, by talking we help each other see things in a different light, its comforting to know you have people who understand how you are feeling, how it hurts when you disappoint your owner. The anguish and the guilt. We talk about the kinky things we do and love. The things they do to make us melt into a blithering mess of joy. Only a submissive/slave knows that feeling. They also know I do miss it, I do crave it from time to time. It’s a strange feeling being on the outside looking in at what I did have and then to chat with a friend and help them with an issue they are dealing with, frustrations, silly things us submissives tend to go on mind tangents about. They help me get through it when I am having a bad day. And I try be there as an ear when they need it.

I miss the discipline, the control, the constant prescence. Even though it was long distance he had no trouble making sure I did my routine, I miss my rules. Without all those things I function but its like a dead functioning, almost zombie like, going through the motions. In a sense it’s like a piece of me missing. I do things to alleviate it, distract myself with other things, and lately, writing and reading alot.

I have been considering the idea of a mentor, not too sure yet if this is the right direction for me, time will tell and I am in no rush. I’m not even sure if it is something I want, just a thought provoking comment from a friend. Either way I am not at a point where that decision needs to be made yet.

M wrote a couple weeks ago, and I haven’t written back, I have things to write but I just don’t feel like it. I will write at some stage this week as I won’t just walk away and close the door, he’s far too fragile at the moment and we still have a friendship, it’s just not a pressing need for me to keep up constant regular weekly contact so I am easing off a little at this point and he knows. He’s not in a situation to protest really. He has no choice in the matter.

Well this is being posted after midnight (even though wp seems to think differently and I am too tired to piss about with the edit crap) so its now officially ‘Have a Ball Thursday’ thanks to Blush … who else is going to join the fun lol… I think I might do the grocery shopping tomorrow with my new best friends hehe. Should be fun. I’m off to bed to read a book lol, goodnight. x