“No one else can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten”

Go on…click it…you know you want to *grin*

A good rant always makes one feel better … well it does for me and its much safer to write it than to take it out on someone well thats my opinion and I’m sticking to it.  Words can never be taken back.  I always keep that in mind when speaking to someone. Sometimes foot in mouth gets the better of me though lol.

My son is off on his holiday next week and I have decided that its time for me to attempt the no smoking thing again.  I went down and bought my homeopathic stop smoking kit so I am all ready to start.  I was such an evil grumpy bitch when I stopped last time and I would have succeeded totally if my friend hadn’t passed away when he did… naughty boy he is.  So I figure starting the process while bubs is away gives me at least 10 days to get it well underway and sorted before he comes back to a smoke free home.  It’s a disgusting habit and one I want to stop.  Every other time I stopped I did so because of the guilt of smoking and knowing what it was doing to my body BUT I liked smoking.  Now I hate it so now is the time when it has more of a chance of working.  And I remember how good I felt when I stopped last time, clean teeth no icky breath and all the grotty things that come with smoking go.  I am looking forward to it.  My flatmate isn’t though he’s mumbling about having to stand in 4 degree temps at night to have a ciggy … hehe not my problem.

So those I talk to on a personal level off the blog … forgive me if I am a cranky cow next week … now you will know why lol.  It’s most certainly not you it’s meeeee.  I think I may lay low next week, safer for all concerned haha.

On the financial end … YAY … I am now debt free, its taken me nearly twelve months of hard slog to get rid of all the debts and shit I had with my son’s dad so now I can start moving forward.  The new computer is being ordered and will be here in a couple of weeks so that will be fun!  From 1gb to 8gb ram is going to make a huuuuge difference *woop woop*

One of my darling subbie friends told me shes being collared in a couple weeks, I am so damn pleased for her, shes deserves happiness, I only wish I could be there to see it, but the UK is a little far away (opposite side of the world!) and a $2000 airfare is a little too much to afford right now, one day hunni we will meet damnit lol.

This girl is trying to get some sleep tonight, insomnia has hit rather bad recently and i have had about 8 hours sleep in the past three days.  I went to sleep last night then woke an hour later and couldn’t go back to sleep and I don’t really know why I have had such a bad attack of it lately.  Hopefully it passes, I feel like I have some sort of hangover or something.

There’s a post on subs without dominants on Fetlife atm that I am quietly watching regarding what a “natural dominant” is … jeez some of them have jumped in there guns blazing and not understood the intent of the post, I however see what he has tried to explain and I agree with him, after all the point is to discuss … some prefer to jump in and the tone of their posts is quite negative and uppity … sad that people cannot discuss things without pushing their own opinions on others, it stops people from wanting to have a good banter.  Maybe I’ll add my two cents on there later, right now this brain is not functioning well due to lack of sleep and I can’t have a nap as I have to go out again, the life of a mummy lol.

If you haven’t had a look at Dragonfly’s blog (link is on the right) please do so, she has some amazingly HOT stories on there.

My mind wants to interpret
All my dreams.

My heart wants to love
All my dreams.

My soul wants to fulfil
All my dreams

I hate being told its easy to trust again, to be told to let it go, to be told I’m being too hard on myself, do they think I don’t fucking know this?!?!

I know myself well enough, I know what works for me, and I know what I need. What I fucking hate is someone selfishly trying to manipulate me for their own personal greeds or wants. And I am very much on to it. I can see it so damn clearly its starting to fuck me off to the point it makes me back off.

I am not a silly woman and I am sure as hell not stupid. Years of working on a chat site helped me gage people very well from written words on a screen. Years of spending time seeing through the bullshit they tell with words on a screen. I also have a very good memory and people tend to say one thing and then say the opposite down the track, it amuses me to watch these interactions. It takes a long time for me to trust people, I am open and honest and loving to my friends, I would give them the world and more. But I fucking hate being manipulated, and I damn well know when someone is doing it.

I have been honest with the people I have spoken to, I am not emotionally available, I am spent, and I am sick of wannabe Doms trying to tell me what I need. I am not just settling for just anyone, I know what I want and I know it will happen when it’s time. Emotionally I feel like I am on a damn roller coaster, one day I am fine and I think cool, I’m okay I can do this and then the bad days hit and thats when I hide away, I stay close to the people I trust, the people that know me and understand me, they don’t judge, and they understand the heartache.

There’s a pagan term I use, initiation. You grow though initiation. Life changing events that shape the person you are. This past twelve months I have had three major ones. It takes its toll. I came back to blogging because I needed to write, I needed to get it out, it helps calm the wolf inside me, it settles me. There are people I have met and talked to lately and a couple of them have become great friends. It’s what I need, friends that understand. M set my standards high, he was a natural dominant, he didn’t have to put on a show or use silly words, his dominance was always there, not forceful just there and his expectations, breaking down all those walls, demanding all of me, mind and body, bought my submission to the fore. Out of all the Doms I have spoken to in the last two months only a couple have stuck me as “real” dominants, naturally dominant, its not a game its who they are. Their conversations are so uniquely different and they have impressed me, amazingly so and I have the beautiful beginnings of a friendship there, they have no motives, they also give me space and I so respect them for it. Then there are those who probably are great but I am not attracted to them nor willingly to go there. And then there are those who have seen my pic and basically (it’s quite obvious) are blatantly in lust lol. I call them my stalkers haha. Meh. Which is why I normally refuse to put pics up.

I’m not being vain or boasting but I am an intelligent person, I love a battle of the wits, I love a person that can challenge me to think outside the square. I am also a hyper nutcase at times when I get passionate about something especially anything that involves learning. M was always one step ahead of me. I need that. I don’t want overly nice and too damn polite. A couple I can easily see me manipulating them to what I want and if I can do that well whats the point lol. I like to control things, situations, and if I am given the chance I will take it, but I am not dominant in nature. I need the release of submitting to someone, allowing them to take that control away from me. First test I suppose lol, if they fail that well… no point continuing really. I suppose thats what I term brat. I am not a pushover and I demand respect, if I don’t get it I walk.

Funny thing is the few dominants I have clicked with on a mind level, I do feel that submissive part of me rise. So for once I am starting to understand my submission better, I am starting to see past all the bullshit. I don’t want someone with baggage, I have enough stress running a business, being a mother without undue crap from their end. I don’t want anymore kids, I respect someone with goals, someone who is settled, someone who takes me for who I am and doesn’t make rash judgements on their own opinions for their own selfish desires. So what if I am being picky, so what if I have set high standards. I don’t want a Dom that doesn’t know what he’s doing. All that will happen is I will end up topping from the bottom and been there, done that, not doing it again.

I have always jumped headlong into relationships, committed far too quickly. This time I am not. Its never worked for me. It’s not a game for me, it’s very real. Friends are what I want I don’t believe in “looking” for a Dom, its a pointless endeavour and its become disheartening to find so many damn players on all these sites and guys who call themselves dominants when in reality all they want is a girlfriend they can have kinky sex with. Sex is a by product, it goes so much damn deeper than that. And Dom’s with no “toolbox” well sheesh. Even I have my own toys lol.

It just pisses me off because I have some beautiful sub friends and I see them getting hurt and lied to by idiots who just want to simply fuck with their minds. I wouldn’t even call them men, its disgusting that they think they can take something so precious and play with it like a toy and disregard it down the track.