v: Because I’m scared
M: Of what!
v: Scared of opening up to someone and then losing them, scared of making myself vunerable
M: You aren’t going to lose me
v: Thats just it you don’t know that and neither do I
M: That’s not it and you know it, what’s the real reason
v: Everything I love I lose M
M: Even if you lose me, you won’t lose the love, you will always have that part of me
v:Sometimes I ask myself if it’s easier to shut that part away, be on my own
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxQ2XQSHMiA&hl=en]
Depression or frenzy? I am just so damn sad and despondent one minute then beaming and happy the next. I know its a normal process but sometimes I just cannot get my head around it. Damn this man for doing this to me, damn him for making me feel like this, I feel vunerable for opening up my soul to him, letting him know my deepest darkest secrets. My fears, my needs. Only to yet again lose everything. My biggest fear since I have been young was and still is losing those I get close to and it hurts, it never changes, it still hurts just as much everytime. And again I lost. I can cry, scream, I can rant, I can get angry, hell if I wanted to I could make him suffer with what I know, but to what end? What’s the damn point. Would I feel better for it? No.
What scares me the most now is having to start again. Having to open myself up on levels I only went with him, because he had that trust from me. I am now starting to understand that he and I were catalysts in a sense for each other. We both encouraged one another to confront areas of ourselves we had kept locked away and hidden. And we have both come out of this a little more enlightened we both broke down emotional barriers that were nothing but destructive. I am grateful for the things he showed me, and the things I allowed him to discover along the way. He made it easy for me because I trusted him.
Now it has ended and now I have to face my fears again, to allow someone to get close again, to allow myself to open up and it scares me, it really does. I am fragile, I feel like a wild animal thats been caged and suddenly set free again. He always used to say I had a fire in me he never wanted to extinguish as it would destroy my very being and he was right. Too precious to break were his words. But with gentle understanding, gentle coaxing I came out of my shell and began to thrive. I was grounded, calmed, content in my submission to him. I became focused. Wel now this vixen is wild eyed and not trusting of many again. I feel wired, a little lost in my new found freedom, and ready to flee at the slightest sense of being tamed again, but another part of me, the part that was bought forth in all its glory just lately, craves it, needs it, but can I?
My trust in people has been crushed, moreso over the past year than ever, deciet and lies seem to be the main theme in the last 12 months. And try as I might I can’t seem to shake it, I don’t want it to stifle me but underneath that tough, I’m okay exterior everyone sees is a scared, lost little girl asking why me?
All I want is for someone to be there, to stay, to ride out the tough times, wrap their arms around me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I’m sick of being the strong one, and I am sick to death of being shit on. I’m sick and tired of making all the decisions and sorting everyone elses problems. I’m tired, drained and emotionally spent. All I want is to be able to smile again. Gain that trust back and learn to love again.
Tristan's pet
on May 29th, 2008
@ 10:24:
My god, my heart goes out to you. Life can be so cruel for those of us who feel things intensely (as subs often do, I find). I empathise with your mood swings, I have them too. However, I try to remember that we have to take risks in order to be happy. Having said that, I have had eight years of solitude before I could open my heart again, but wow, it’s been worth it.
Hugs,
TP xx (I deleted my other comment….too many typos! more haste, less speed.)
vixen
on May 29th, 2008
@ 10:29:
Oh yes mood swings suck and being empathic is a bitch at times. Thank you hun. x
Pygar
on May 29th, 2008
@ 12:46:
“All I want is for someone to be there, to stay, to ride out the tough times, wrap their arms around me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I’m sick of being the strong one, and I am sick to death of being shit on. I’m sick and tired of making all the decisions and sorting everyone elses problems. I’m tired, drained and emotionally spent. All I want is to be able to smile again. Gain that trust back and learn to love again.“
I seem to have heard that so much recently and confided in a sub friend that rather than looking for a Dom I thought she was really looking for someone to love her and care for her and just make everything all right. Because life just is a bitch sometimes and it is hard always being strong.
I had always been the strong person who looked after everyone else. In the end it broke me and I had to rebuild myself. We Doms are not supermen.
So whether sub or Dom we will all have times of strength and weakness. Love and friendship can though sometimes help each of us through those hard times.
And the break of trust…
Will you ever be able to trust anyone again? I hope so vixen. I truly do.
I seem to have given a lot of hugs out recently but there are always plenty left if you would like one.
xPx
Ashton
on May 29th, 2008
@ 16:32:
My thoughts and prayers are with you, V.
vixen
on May 29th, 2008
@ 23:29:
I hope so too Pygar and I will, its just a matter of time as with all things, I refuse to let him do that to me at least no matter how hard it will be for me.
Ashton mwah x