Lies, tearing us up inside Squeezing us till we feel the pressure Like a snake slowly squeezing your neck tighter The fear of the truth not been understood The lies weaving there way in to every persons mind Your mind slowly giving way to the pressure The pressure slowly increasing, people mocking you, people pointing Lies, Truth been twisted and distorted and misrepresented Lies, The evil of our kind, truth the good of our kind Don’t let lies over run, don’t let lies stay and haunt you, speak the truth

I demand honesty, I expect it. There is no path to love through lies. I am frustrated, and I am still angry with M, there will always be a part of me that will be angry for him taking me to that dark place, the place where all my dreams were shattered but it’s time to move on. To grow involves honesty and trust, it is the ONLY way to discover the depth of ones soul and heart.

To journey with another soul requires honesty and trust. It’s that simple but yet so hard for some to bring to reality. Lies can destroy the most golden of things and lies are based on fear. The only way to battle the fear is to be brutally honest with yourself and those close to you. Why do people lie? It’s such a waste of time and it gets you absolutely no where. Lies are excuses to hide away parts of yourself you are ashamed of, breaking free from those fears releases you to even newer heights, growth.

Being submissive to M enabled me to completely merge, the bond extremely intense. Control and admiration were not a factor for him either, it was just as intense for him and our committment to growth and exploration on our wee path was the driving force behind us. I find it odd that with all the research of late I have done regarding sub frenzy and understanding how it affects a submissive lead me to another discovery … is there any literature regarding the Dom and release? If there is I haven’t found it.

Loss is the simplest word to explain release. Not only the relationship but a part of myself in the process. Being submissive to another and being completely in that space and in my case it was a sense of abandonment, the loss of a self created through a balanced lifestyle that worked for me. Denial and anger were the first two emotions due to the unusual circumstances then the feeling of being vunerable and disappointed, betrayed, then a sadness and now finally acceptance and adapting. Just as there is an end to the relationship there is an end to the grieving and a sense of peace and knowing that I got to experience something very special. And I also understand my submissive nature better as a result.

As a submissive my needs matter, my feelings matter, what I think matters, my wellbeing is important, that doesn’t however say that I run the relationship. What I do as a submissive though is GIVE that power, the decisions, the responsiblity to the Dominant. Surrender. Decisions that the Dominant makes have to be made with those things in mind.

As a submissive I have to feel safe with that person, they have to be dependable, my rock, they have to want to know my needs and desires, and I need to know I can be honest and expect communication in return. If they fuck up they need to admit it plain and simple. They also need to know how to laugh. If they cannot fathom doing those things then they need to ask themselves what their motives are as to the choice of taking the Dominant role.

As a woman I want a damn man, not a mouse, I want that quiet, strong, protective presence. Someone who is not afraid to take the reins and tell me NO when I need it. Spank the brat out of me when I need it not when I say but when HE says so. I want to appreciate everything as a woman, a valued, owned, cherished possession of a man. A man that is passionate, kind but firm. A man that is not afraid to take the lead in a loving way. Someone who wants to be there when I fall to dust me off, pick me up and push me a little further. A man who will not stifle me but encourage me to grow in a safe environment, using his power to draw out the me that hides, helps rid the inhibitions and fears understanding that fragile faith in him.

I may be submissive but I sure as hell ain’t stupid. I yield only to one who is worth it. So to all those “players” that demand to be called Sir or Master within a couple chats .. get bent …hehe cause this brat doesn’t play nice with idiots. *snigger*

By the way not all encounters have been a bad experience, actually I have been chatting to a variety of wonderful people of late and it’s been a breath of fresh air. There is hope for this brat yet, yes I can behave and I do use manners when need be

Outside this blog people see the mask, the social me. At home in my sanctuary I am a geeky introvert. I read books, alot of them, my flatmate freaks out because I never read one book, always having two or three on the go, at the moment its about six I think. I used to be a social butterfly, always out, always meeting people. Nowdays I prefer my own company and that of a few close friends. I have been burnt, hurt, taken advantage of and why because of my giving nature. If someone is hurting I try to help them, I hate people being unhappy. Call it naive or whatever but its who I am. Of late I have backed away from all of that deciding it’s time to put me first and explore the things I want to do, no more giving that energy away in pointless endeavours.

The last few months have been a huge journey of discovery and I have begun to see things in a new light. Losing a close friend before xmas to suicide was such a shocker, no one saw it coming and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, he was like a brother to me and there is not one day that goes by when he doesn’t cross my mind. A beautiful soul and such a waste. My relationship ended with my son’s father a year ago, but to be quite honest it had ended long before then, neither of us were willing to communicate and he went and fucked some silly bint so that gave me the door out. Then the latest saga with M. I am surprised I haven’t gone insane, what a year but over this past 12 months it’s taught me something important.

Life is far too short, we take so many things for granted. We forget to tell the people in our lives how much we love them, we forget to spend a little time just sitting still and listening. We don’t listen to our intuition, we don’t take notice of the small things and those are what are important, take the time to stop and listen. Life isn’t about what car you own, how many homes you have, money, material things. It’s simply about love, being human, admitting your mistakes, and never forgetting you are here because you chose to be here to experience being human. There are lessons along the way, you can choose to take the time to understand them or you can be blind to it and by doing so they tend to come right back and kick you in the proverbial until you get it and move on.

With everything that has happened in the last year it’s put things in perspective. I am going to enjoy watching my son grow into a healthy young man, take pride in being a mother, respect the gift that I have been given as a parent. I am going to spend time with those I love and care about, and anyone that comes along and expects differently can go take a flying leap. No more giving away that part of myself till someone comes along that respects it and has earned it.

I’m ready to fly. Time for me.

Oh she’s still here, bet you thought she’d disappeared. No not at all, quietly simmering in the background as usual unless it’s bought to the fore but it takes a special person to get there and the walls are back up, ever present, guarding that sacred space of mine. I could choose to write smut, erotica etc etc but there’s no need, plenty of that already on the world wide interweb just type PORN lol. Don’t take that as a promise I won’t write something norty, the urge to write a little erotica is there don’t worry. *grin*

I sat here browsing through various submissives blogs and something sparked my attention. What makes YOU submissive? And it got me thinking, and reminded me about the recent decision I had made with myself regarding a vanilla relationship and the fact that I know myself well enough at this point in time to know that it would not satisfy me. Someone said … once awakened to this part of yourself and set your soul free you can no longer live without it. And I agree. I can’t go back knowing I need to explore this part of myself more, go deeper, push more boundaries. And most importantly sharing a journey with someone, exploring and channeling that energy into growth. Growth is always good, it enlightens us, makes more sense in purpose.

My submissive nature has always been there, it just wasn’t until recently I began to see it. I am a giver, a pleaser, I get satisfaction from pleasing another, an innate sense of peace washes over me and I am content. My mind quiets, things become clearer, that wild streak subsides, calms. Ritual and connection. It’s funny actually a Dom asked me the other night whilst chatting if BDSM was spiritual for me. Lol orgasms are spiritual, it brings you closer to oneness, sexuality is spiritual, and if he couldn’t understand that aspect then he and I are on two completely different paths. And that’s fine, but for me its an essential part. It brings me closer inside myself and with that comes a calm knowing that I am in the right place.

The power exchange between a Dom and his submissive is indeed a dance, two pieces of a puzzle who fit together. Two becoming one whole, and growing and becoming stonger as one. The intimacy, the connection, two minds on the same path of self discovery. After all we are here to learn, here to exprience being human, flaws and all.

Ugh. Yes it’s a filthy habit and one I am about to battle for a second time.

I stopped with the help of patches, without them I can become an evil bitch. I did really well and absolutley loved the fact I had stopped then one of my closest friends took his life three weeks before xmas and I started again. With all the recent stress and the need to want to stop I have been waiting for a “calm”. Well I think the calm is good enough now to try again. I also told kitten if she and Coyote can do it then I will follow in their footsteps so I am counting on them hehe.

I stupidly started back when I was doing trackwork and hanging out with norty jockeys lol. It was a common occurence to have a whiskey and a ciggy before embarking outside on a cold frosty morning at 5am to get on a wiley horse and do a few laps around the track. Everyone smoked and back then smoking wasn’t such a bad thing. It’s the worst thing I could have done. It’s yuck, yuckity yuck and I hate it. i need a new oral fixation LOL.

We have a program here and I can get subsidised patches so after this mad weekend is over I am going to get it organised. I will write something decent later tonight when all is quiet, I have the brain dead this morning.

And I will leave you with a fav song … mmmm num num
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-wvrsI_Chs&hl=en]