Bah I feel bad, yesterday I had a bad day and I vented on here. And as a result I had people worried. I am okay … I write to get out shit that is mulling round in my head and by doing so, each time I get a little better, I process stuff through my writing I suppose.

I am an extremely sensitive person and my moods can get rather deep when things are troubling me, my blog is an escape, a place to write and get it all down, it’s cathartic in a sense. Things I cannot seem to say out loud, things that won’t part from my lips. And because it’s simply too damn hard to talk about M to anyone, most don’t understand, some think I am crazy for even continuing to write to him, (I am doing so to finally get answers and they are forthcoming so helping alot)and then I get pissed off because the shallowness of people’s hearts rise to the fore.

I have been around some pretty bad people in my life, seen some pretty hellish shit. I have always been attracted to the “bad boys” oh and I know that’s a problem in itself lol. I love the adrenalin rush of being naughty, putting myself in situations that were unhealthy. When I had my son that life was left behind, I stepped back from all of it and I have no wish to go back down that road BUT along the way I learnt something. It’s destructive for me, every single one of them have come out of it for the better because they have learnt something from me, am I a vessel for learning? Sometimes thats what I feel like, a pawn in a game. I remember one guy telling me he couldn’t see me anymore because he didn’t want to drag me into his world, I was too good for him and it. And I agreed. That particular one saved his marriage by doing so and is now settled and appreciative of what he has.

I want what every person wants, to be happy, to live, to love, to learn. The control aspect is what drives me insane, my innate need to have everything just so, the virgo trait, the perfectionist. When things fall apart I fall apart, I suppose which then sends me into a spiralling emotional whirlwind.

It’s simply a phase, I know that, things will get better, things always do, the eternal optimist in me, I know this. But sometimes it’s nice to wallow in self pity a little, lick my wounds and when I am ready climb back up out of my cave again. So DON’T STRESS I’M FINE … just venting a little xx

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Depression or frenzy? I am just so damn sad and despondent one minute then beaming and happy the next. I know its a normal process but sometimes I just cannot get my head around it. Damn this man for doing this to me, damn him for making me feel like this, I feel vunerable for opening up my soul to him, letting him know my deepest darkest secrets. My fears, my needs. Only to yet again lose everything. My biggest fear since I have been young was and still is losing those I get close to and it hurts, it never changes, it still hurts just as much everytime. And again I lost. I can cry, scream, I can rant, I can get angry, hell if I wanted to I could make him suffer with what I know, but to what end? What’s the damn point. Would I feel better for it? No.

What scares me the most now is having to start again. Having to open myself up on levels I only went with him, because he had that trust from me. I am now starting to understand that he and I were catalysts in a sense for each other. We both encouraged one another to confront areas of ourselves we had kept locked away and hidden. And we have both come out of this a little more enlightened we both broke down emotional barriers that were nothing but destructive. I am grateful for the things he showed me, and the things I allowed him to discover along the way. He made it easy for me because I trusted him.

Now it has ended and now I have to face my fears again, to allow someone to get close again, to allow myself to open up and it scares me, it really does. I am fragile, I feel like a wild animal thats been caged and suddenly set free again. He always used to say I had a fire in me he never wanted to extinguish as it would destroy my very being and he was right. Too precious to break were his words. But with gentle understanding, gentle coaxing I came out of my shell and began to thrive. I was grounded, calmed, content in my submission to him. I became focused. Wel now this vixen is wild eyed and not trusting of many again. I feel wired, a little lost in my new found freedom, and ready to flee at the slightest sense of being tamed again, but another part of me, the part that was bought forth in all its glory just lately, craves it, needs it, but can I?

My trust in people has been crushed, moreso over the past year than ever, deciet and lies seem to be the main theme in the last 12 months. And try as I might I can’t seem to shake it, I don’t want it to stifle me but underneath that tough, I’m okay exterior everyone sees is a scared, lost little girl asking why me?

All I want is for someone to be there, to stay, to ride out the tough times, wrap their arms around me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I’m sick of being the strong one, and I am sick to death of being shit on. I’m sick and tired of making all the decisions and sorting everyone elses problems. I’m tired, drained and emotionally spent. All I want is to be able to smile again. Gain that trust back and learn to love again.

It’s been six months since I lost my mate to suicide, he hung himself in the bathroom of his flat. He left alot of people angry, sad, and lost as to why he did it. There was no note, no answers, only memories of this silly, fun, shy guy who was an amazing guitarist. I miss him everyday, he was always someone I could talk to, spend time with, hang out and be silly together and on and off we were flatmates over the years. He used to play the acoustic guitar. I love the sound of someone strumming away on a guitar. Even jealous because I would love to learn.

He couldn’t read music, simply listened to a song then played it first pop without a note wrong. A man with a truly amazing gift. He idolised Led Zepplin, born on the same day as Jimmy Page, January the 9th. And loved Pink Floyd. both he played like he was part of the music itself. I never got tired of listening to him play and quite often a group of us would go out to watch him play. He was always the shy, quiet one who would play with his back to the crowd or in a corner. For years he did this, then one day he sang! Omg as usual amazing!

Since his death I haven’t been able to sit through a Led Zepplin song or a Pink Floyd song , normally switching them off or changing the music. Today I did. Things slowly change and we remember the good things. Progress. Healing takes time.

Wherever you are my friend, never stop singing and playing that beautiful music. I can now smile again and think happy thoughts and remember the good times and one day I will find you again and kick you up the buttocks for running out on life before your time, ya selfish prick!. I love you always and I miss the way you made me laugh x

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